Just hanging out...turning into a guy

I wrapped up my testosterone gel a couple days ago, and have "graduated" to the testosterone patch.  I wear it for exactly 11 hours a day, for 5 days (through Sunday).  At this point, I don't think I have a beard, or worse, a penis, but I guess time will tell.

We actually made a tough decision to not purchase our meds from our local pharmacy this round.  For the first IVF, we looked around a little and decided to pay a little extra (I think it worked out to be about $200-300) to stay local.  The other options would be online.  We thought it was nice to see an actual person for questions -- and as my fellow local IVFers know -- the pharmacist is the epitome of hilarity.  I swear that she could totally get her own reality show dealing with us poor infertiles.  She may also be slightly bipolar, but I always left the pharmacy knowing exactly what was going on.  We also like supporting local business, and the pharmacy in town that has gotten into the infertility gig is a family-owned place near downtown.  We just felt good about it.

But based on some chatter on some of my forums, I did decide to review the online pricing vs the local shop this time -- and we would save over $1,000 by going online.  Given that we know so much more about what we are doing now, that was a no-brainer.  So sorry lovely town pharmacy; we are at the point that $1,000 means the world to us!

We had our baseline ultrasound yesterday to make sure I was properly suppressed from the birth control and ready for simulations.  I had 5-10 follicles ready to grow on one ovary, but less than 5 on the other.  If we can get good growth and maturity from those follicles, we'll be fine and dandy, even if they are on the low side to start.

For full disclosure, I'm still struggling with the "unfairness" of it all, for lack of a better term.  I alternate between bouts of sadness, anger and bitterness.  The fact that Link and Zelda joined Artie and Herkie in being gone forever continues to weighh on me, and it holds me back from being truly excited about another chance.  I really do think this will get better once we start stimulating next week, but it obviously will never be the same.  I'm a little more jaded now. 

I'm frustrated that the miscarriage (that is one of the few times I've actually written that word in relation to what happened) has taken away my ability to be truly happy even if we do get a positive pregnancy test this round.  It more just becomes a box to check -- obviously we need to get pregnant to stay  pregnant.  Not getting to that point would be devastating.  But surpassing it won't be unadulterated joy.  Rather a shift in anxiety to the next step.  I'm sad that I won't be able to shock my parents again with such good news without there being an undercurrent of worry.  I tear up when I walk past the empty room, save for one new glider, across from our master bedroom.  It was full of boxes and junk just a few months ago, and sometimes I wish we never cleaned it out upon learning we were "successful".  I am simultaneously estatic and miserable when I receive the continual birth announcements the past few weeks.

I know everything will be okay, somehow, in the long run.  I know that these now 825 days of trying for something that comes so simply to others will be a drop in the bucket at some point.  I am still a happy, optimistic person -- in love with my husband, ridiculously thankful for my family and friends, and extremely blessed in so many aspects of life.  But, for now, today, I'm still sad.  I think it would be abnormal if I wasn't.   I just know that "tomorrow" will be better.