Thursday, May 23, 2013


I'm not entirely certain what to type.  I really have no words right now.  We were able to get another ultrasound today.  We wanted answers, and we got them.  The yolk sac and 6w2d embryo we saw on Monday had already been absorbed back into the gestational sac.  There was nothing there.  It almost makes Monday a dream.  Can it really disappear that quickly?

I've decided to stop my meds and let it happen naturally.  We could do the d&c and get chromosomal testing done again, but last time that told us nothing.  I'd rather just keep this private to myself, with T.  Luckily, we work at the same company, albeit different buildings.  But he could be by my side very quickly if I needed him.  I'm ready to be done.

We're vaguely talking next options.  We have a lot of anger towards our clinic - unrelated to the actual outcome of our cycles, just how certain aspects were handled.  So I'm not sure we'd go back there.  Maybe travel to a more nationally known clinic.  I'm not sold on that either.  I'm not sure what would actually change.  They can't magically make my babies live.  Adoption is back on the table.  I'm not sure where that one will go either.

I'm not sure.  I'm not sure.  We're fairly broken.  It was more than our hearts this time; it's all of us.  The only thing that is surviving is the collective "us".  I don't know what we would do without each other.  Having T is what makes things ultimately okay.  So I have to believe we'll figure something out.

I'm sorry for the ICLW folks.  What a week to meet us.  I haven't kept up with commenting/reading others' blogs at all, and I apologize.  I promise I'll make it up soon.


  1. I am so sorry. I am saying extra prayers for you!

  2. Oh Cam, I'm so sorry. You and your husband are in my thoughts.

  3. Stopping by from ICLW, and I am so sorry to read of your loss. It sounds like you have a solid partner, and hopefully you can find some peace, eventually. Wishing you strength and comfort as you move forward.

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you and T. have each other to hold on to tight at this time. Hugs to you.

  5. I am so, so sorry to hear this. Hugs to you, friend, and I hope the coming weeks bring some peace, comfort, and direction.

  6. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Glad you get to have T so close by though. Wishing you strength in the upcoming weeks!

    -Jenn, from ICLW


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