Monday, February 18, 2013

Another one from T

I don’t remember ever having been both as excited and nervous as I was that morning of the first ultrasound.  Naive optimism.  One of us had “Ultrasound” on the calendar and the other had labeled it “See the babies”.  As you know by now only one of those was correct.  My wife was more worrisome than usual while we sat patiently in the waiting room, but I shrugged it off as simple nerves and nothing else.  We eventually were led to our room and the nurse came in to perform the ultrasound.  I had my iPhone out and my camera app open getting ready to record the heartbeat of the fruit of so much love and hard work.  The nurse was silently staring at the black and white circle for what seemed like hours.  That is the part I remember the most, the silence.  In reality I am sure it was just a few minutes, but she certainly wasn’t seeing what she expected.  We could tell that something wasn’t right, and she went to get another nurse and finally the doctor.  They tell us that the little guy stopped developing at some point and that’s about all I can remember them saying.  I know they went on about what we can do next or something along those lines, but in my head that same silence took over.  I honestly don’t remember much about the rest of that day.  I am not sure if it’s due to the numbness or if I am just blocking it all out.  Either way calling it one of the worst days of our lives would not be overstating it.

We have since accepted what happened and can talk about it without weeping.  There have been more “this is not fair” and “why us” thrown out than I can count.  My mother always told me growing up that life isn’t fair, and this is one hell of a showcase for that.  Last week we had another ultrasound performed to confirm what we already knew.  Nobody was surprised this time and it helped give us some closure before performing a D&C on Friday.  Tests have been sent off on the tissue from that surgery, and time may give us an answer to what went wrong.  The reality of it is that it was probably just one of those things that happen for no reason.  There won’t be an answer and we’ll just have to move on in life.

There is a silver lining in all of this however.  WE CAN GET PREGNANT.  We had said all along that if this round of IVF didn’t work we were going to start looking at other options such as adoption.  We are definitely calling the IVF a success in that regard, however, so we are going to move forward with a third round.  A little part of the naivete and excitement has certainly left the building, but we’re also still stupidly optimistic that this will work out in the end.  We have to wait a cycle before we can try again though, so logic dictates that we of course must go to Vegas to clear our heads (and maybe have a few glasses of wine), which we will do in less than 4 weeks. 

So we are getting ready to go through all of this insanity again hopeful for a positive outcome.  If we do see that little pink line on that little stick we are most certainly going to worry ourselves indefinitely.  (Has it actually come down to worrying about worrying?)  But in the end it will all be worth it.

A lot of questions were asked over the past few weeks.  One of them was “Are we going to be OK?”  It is an amazing feeling to know the answer to that question without having to hear it.  I can certainly see how going through something like this could break people and relationships and marriages.  I honestly think that it has made us stronger.  I am very proud to say that I am in love with the strongest woman in the world.  She makes me smile just thinking about her and I can’t imagine making this journey with anyone else.  Although I still wish this journey was more like a weekend road trip and less seeing how many times we can circle the globe.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Thank you

Thank you for the notes of support we have received over the last few days.  I know I haven't really responded to any of them, and part of it is I'm just not ready to think about it that much.  But it really does mean a lot to me.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Just the facts

We ended up going today for our first ultrasound (basically I asked, and received -- who knew that it would be that easy?)

However, the news is not good.

The first nurse looked at the gestational sac for what seemed like forever.  She did not say a word.  Just moving the wand and looking.  Moving and looking.  I thought I could see things, but I had no idea what to look for.

She said there did not appear to be a heartbeat.  She went and got the head nurse.

That nurse did the same.  Moving the wand and looking.  She wanted the doctor to come and confirm, and he did as well.  There is no heartbeat.  They couldn't pinpoint the time the baby stopped developing.  The yolk sac appeared to be disintegrating, so they couldn't do exact measurements.  We asked if there was any chance of viability and were told no.

They left us alone and we cried a lot.

We will do a D&C a week from tomorrow.  They will do a last ultrasound that day to ensure a miracle didn't occur, but had zero confidence that would happen.

My heart is broken.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Six weeks

I'm six weeks pregnant today.  That still doesn't seem right to even type out.  I feel like I'm living in this fake alterna-world right now.  The ultrasound next week will make all the difference in the world, I think, but for now, I'm just trying to "stay cool".  I fail at this occasionally (I believe T would use the word "often"), but I'm really trying to remind myself that I have no reason to actually worry.  I'm getting more nauseous, my boobs still really hurt, my couple days of light brown spotting has stopped.  All should be well.

So with that, I'll concentrate on being pregnant and all that brings, especially the miracles that are apparently happening inside me while I watch the Super Bowl tonight.

The baby is the size of a sweet pea.  It looks something like this:

Isn't that supremely crazy?  Even crazier - the heart is beating.  In that little ole thing.  In this being that could rest on the pad of my little finger if I could hold it.  Craziest?  The baby will TRIPLE in size by next week.  By week's end, the little webbed hands and feet could even be wiggling.  God is a pretty awesome architect.

We had a lovely weekend this past weekend with my parents on Friday night and T's mom on Saturday.  My parents tried to bring up a nonalcoholic wine for me in hopes I wouldn't feel left out as they imbibed with T.  Sorry to say, that crap is icky. Consider me your taste tester, and don't bother - might as well just pour some grape juice in a wine glass.   I'll stick with my water for now.  God willing, I won't be able to partake until fall in a nice glass of wine. 

This week will continue to be a hard one as we continue to wait, but I'll keep on trucking!

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