Anniversary

T and I have been married two years as of yesterday!

It really doesn't seem like it should be that short.  My dad said it feels more like ten (and clarified he meant that as a compliment).  We've been together five years overall, and even that seems short.  I guess we like to try to live lifetimes in just a few years.

We started trying for a baby before we got married (shhh, don't tell anyone).  At the time it seemed so risky...what if I was pregnant at the wedding?  Gasp?!  Now I can laugh at even thinking that.  And starting earlier meant we realized earlier that we needed extra "help", so ultimately it was a good decision.

T gave me his present early -- a massage from Aria while we were in Vegas.  It was so overpriced, but definitely a necessity at that time, just a few weeks after our loss.  In turn, I found someone on etsy who prints verses or lyrics on to copper pieces.  I had him print a line from one of T's and my favorite songs:

"and I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay"

The copper piece is the size of a credit card, so T can take it with him wherever he goes.  Which obviously you will, honey?  Right? :)

Then we had some other potentially good news yesterday as well.  A positive on a pregnancy test.  The downside from here is something that only those experienced with pee on a stick mania may understand:

We actually may have had a positive Sunday night (5dp5dt).  It was so ridiculously light, not visible in a picture, and I could only see it if I wasn't wearing glasses or contacts (I'm so near-sighted, I get mega vision for things 2 inches away).  But it at least gave us some hope.  Then we took the test again on Monday morning (6dp5dt).  Again very light, but at least slightly more visible.  As in, I could kind of see it with regular vision.  Took a digital test as well, and it said "Not Pregnant".  Not a huge surprise, as we know those digital tests are not as sensitive as the pink line ones (we use FRERs).  Last night, still 6dp5dt, I took another pink line test at the restaurant where we were having our anniversary dinner after work.  Again, the line is super light, BUT you can see it without squinting.  We're starting to get a little more excited.

Fast forward to this morning (7dp5dt).  I took both a FRER and a digital test.  FRER still has a super light pink line on it, but I don't think it is much darker than yesterday.  The digital is still negative.  For comparison sake, we got a positive on a digital last cycle only 8 hours after our first FRER positive.

So, therefore, I'm worried.  I'm in testing limbo.  This is why you should NOT test early (I know!).  We obviously are pregnant, which is huge.  And a happy day.  But what if isn't progressing?  What if we are just headed for a very early miscarriage/chemical pregnancy?  I probably wouldn't even worry that much if I didn't have last cycle to compare to -- and look how that one turned out anyway!

So there is some insight into the madness that is my racing thoughts today.  Only time will tell how it turns out, but at least we got through the starting gate.  I am pregnant!  For now!

Edit:  (I seem to have to do that a lot lately).  I just got the positive on the digital.  My heart is racing slightly less now.  I still need lots and lots and lots of prayers.

3dp5dt

Go faster, go faster!  Time is moving sooooo sloooooowwwwlllllly right now.   I want it to be beta day (which I've decided will go fabulously).  I want it to be ultrasound day (where we'll see two lovely heartbeats.  It's the truth).  I want it to be the day my bellybutton pops.  I want it to be the day our little Jedis are born.  I want it to be the day they first walk.  I want it so badly.

But that's not today.  Today is three days past my five-day transfer, and nada is happening.  I felt nauseous after leaving a team lunch yesterday, and T swears that is a sign of implantation (because he read it somewhere at some point on the interwebs, so it must be true).  I have a burning pinching feeling in my lower abdomen off and on.  In reality, though, this is all overanalyzing - what I do best! - and hopefulness, because we simply can't know anything this early.

Instead of Jedis, I'll concentrate on what should be a wonderful weekend.  Spring is FINALLY here.  And per usual, we'll probably scootch right into summer after about 5 days of spring.  We are grilling tonight, which is my favorite. I've learned that I love so many things grilled once we finally got a real grill at our new house.  Peaches? YUM!!  Cabbage?  Yes, please.  This is the year we will try a pizza. 

Our stepdaughter may have a sleepover tomorrow night as well, so there is a possibility we'll have 3 preteens giggling in our basement all night.  That's birth control right there.  Babies don't grow up to teenagers, do they?  I may have changed  my mind on all this.... :)

T's and my two-year anniversary is on Monday.  I sure hope we look back on that day next year with complete joy as our Jedis are spitting up all over us and screaming.  That sounds just wonderful.

May the Force be with us

Meet Luke and Leia!!

Of course, I'm overanalyzing, and I don't think these blastocysts look as good as Artie and Herkie from our first round (I can't really compare to the frozen transfer, since those were still thawing).  But, of course, that first round was a big fat failure, so different is good, right?

Unfortunately, no other embryos survived, so we don't have any frozen.  I guess that means that we are destined to have twins with this round.  (Don't mind me, that's just my optimism peeking through).

So, again, we wait.  And wait.  And hope for a second pink line.  And wait.  And wait.  And hope for a heartbeat.  (There's my optimism again assuming it's not the end of the road at the wait for the pink line!)

In the meantime, bed rest sucks.  I'm so bored.  I'm watching this pretty horrible movie right now called What's Your Number.  Despite the proliferation of random actors I love in this movie (Eliza Coupe, anyone?!?!), it's just bad.  Must find something better.

One benefit of being on bed rest is having T taking over the cooking.  For some background, I LOVE to cook.  I love to try new things, and experiment with new ingredients.  In general, making dinner is my favorite time of the day.  T helps when I ask and we drink wine and talk about our day.  Then he always cleans up.  It's a match made in heaven.  However, I never said I was a good cook.  I burn things, set off smoke detectors, throw stuff out for a sandwich instead. It is sure fun trying, though.

That being said, I love when T takes over, especially when it is recipes that I specifically request.  He rocked it yesterday -- made some baked salmon with a pea, pancetta, shallot orzo on the side.  It was deliciously good and I can't wait for leftover orzo for lunch today.  Maybe bed rest isn't so bad after all :)

Oh, I so want this to be our time.  Please let it be our time.  Jedi knights seem to have that way about them.

Edit:  Chris Evans is now in his underwear in the movie.  That's not so bad!  :)

It's just so hard

(If you are coming from ICLW, check out yesterday's post for a welcome and update on our status)

What is hard you may ask?  Our infertility struggle?  Our loss?  The endless amount of gray and rain in the weather, only apparently leaving for a few short hours today?  Yes, yes, and yes.  Although today is not about those.  Today is about something much more serious.

T and I simply can NOT master the no-look, from the side high five.

It is heartbreaking really.  The ability to connect our hands in such a no-blink, right on the money, hit it where it counts kind of way should be natural to us.  I mean, I do think we are soul mates.  Definitely able to read each other's minds and finish each other's sentences.

So why can't we high five like this?!?!?!

I don't think you understand how devastating this failure is.  We have been practicing for literally years.  We have had the misguided self-confidence to even attempt the high five in front of people, and miss each other by miles.  Due to our height difference, T is naturally too high and I am too low.  So we each try to correct and miss the other way.  One of us is too far forward and the other too far back.

Like our other struggles in life, we will persevere.  We will keep our eye on the prize, and we WILL at least make some contact with our hands at some point.  But unfortunately, that day has not come yet, and I'm just not sure I can handle the wait any longer.

Someday.  Someday.

Edit to add:  T's sister came over tonight and read the blog.  After she stopped laughing hysterically, we demonstrated our ineptitude to her.  Still failing.  Damn.

A few things

First off, tomorrow marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness week.  The ultimate intent of infertility awareness week is to promote open discussion of infertility.  There are are so many people struggling through this process that keep the issue very private.  And while we have not chosen that route, I can only imagine how difficult it would be to deal with this without any external support.  Sadly, some people are ashamed of their infertility.  My acupuncturist that runs a peer group asked permission to give my name to another patient of hers; a girl who has committed to facing her infertility with only her husband, and she is too embarrassed to tell anyone else.  While I don't think that everyone necessarily needs to be widely open, it is so important to have a foundation of support beyond the people directly struggling.

So what can you do?  Ultimately just be sensitive and cognizant that fertility issues are so much more widespread than you'd expect.  When someone quietly notes that it has taken a long time to have a child, that is not the time to explain how you get pregnant when your husband just looks at you from across a room.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 people, so it is likely that you know someone, other than me, that hurts from the inability to naturally reproduce.  Also, realize that the different processes folks use to help (e.g. IUI and IVF) are done in a responsible manner 99% of the time.  Octomom and Kate+8 give the whole process such a bad name, and no reputable doctor would ever get their patient in these types of situations.  You may still be anti-IVF for other religious or moral reasons - and are absolutely welcome to that opinion - but just be sure that it is an educated opinion not based on out-of-control media.

Second, if you are here from ICLW, welcome!  For those tilting their head in confusion, ICLW is a monthly process to connect women (and men!) that blog online.  Generally about infertility, but also life in general.  I've never participated before, but it seemed appropriate given the week is meant to bring additional awareness to all people struggling.  The lowdown on us can be seen in our Infertility Timeline and About Us sections.

Which gets me to us!  Exciting times around here, as we found out that we have 5 embryos hanging out in petri dishes, ideally dividing and growing like good embies should.  We like to deal in thirds (first IVF: 2 embryos from 6 eggs, 2nd IVF:  3 embryos from 9 eggs, and this IVF:  5 embryos from 15 eggs).  I'm a little disappointed, but I got over it pretty quickly.  Our issue before was that several eggs were immature.  However, this time 14 out of our 15 eggs were mature; unfortunately our fertilization rate was pretty low.  I guess we can never win them all.

But ultimately, I never wanted more embryos than we "needed", so I'm thinking 5 is perfect!  Barring any unexpected issues, we should be able to transfer two on Tuesday AND freeze some as well.  We've generally had great growing rates, so let's not make that a change for this cycle.

Gah, the next couple weeks will be torture again.  While the two weeks from positive beta to ultrasound were horrendous last time (and obviously didn't come to a good conclusion), I'm certainly hoping I get to experience that again.

Holy eggs!

Retrieval went fantastically and they were able to get 15 eggs!!  Holy crap!  We won't know until tomorrow how many of those were mature and how many were ultimately able to be fertilized, but what a way to start!

Especially when I found this article:  http://news.health.com/2011/05/11/number-of-eggs-retrieved-helps-predict-ivf-success-study/  which says that 15 eggs shows the best chance of a successful pregnancy.  Bring it on, I say!

Next steps:  get our fertilization report tomorrow.  Transfer 2 embryos on Tuesday.  Freeze any remaining embryos -- hopefully for a sibling since this WILL be our successful cycle, I've decided.  So we'll add to that list of next steps:  become preggo with a very healthy child (or two!).

I do hope that we end of having just enough embryos to have the family for which we've prayed so long.  We've never obviously had to entertain the thought of "extra" embryos before.  Most likely, we won't this time either, but the idea does need to be considered.  Our options are to donate them to another family in need (usually anonymously), donate specifically to someone, or "simply" destroy them.

The latter will never be an option for us.  And despite popular anti-IVF press, it doesn't appear to the be a true option for most people going through IVF.  People who have tried this hard to have a family have an utmost appreciation for human life and the miracle that each of those embryos is.  Potentially having a child out there raised by someone else is an odd thought though.  So I'm guessing if this process decides we're having 7 children, we'll just have to go that route!

I'm still pretty uncomfortable from having my 15 eggies removed.  I'm going back to work tomorrow, but luckily it appears to be a pretty laid-back day.  I'm gross and bloated and supposed to eat a lot of salty food to help with my fluid retention.  My risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) should be mitigated by using Lupon triggers vs hcg triggers.  (That's a whole science lesson on its own, but basically the hcg takes longer to dissipate in the system and can make you sick for longer).  My guess is I'll be feeling pretty fabulouso by Saturday or Sunday.

I'll report back tomorrow when we know the fertilization report.  In the meantime, have a great Thursday!

Trigger Day - Again!

I had what I thought would be my last ultrasound and blood work before retrieval on Monday morning (day 8).  On both the prior cycles, we had several dominant large follicles, so they wanted to go ahead and trigger for a Wednesday retreival.  But this time we only have one larger one, and several smaller ones that are still growing.

So rather than trigger Monday, we continued our stimulation and ganirelix shots that night, and went in again this morning for another ultrasound.  Got the call this afternoon that we are good to go for a Thursday retreival!

We are triggering with Lupron instead of hcg.  That means nothing to most people (and doesn't mean much to us yet), but I have to take one shot at exactly 8pm tonight and another at exactly 8am tomorrow.  We then do the retrieval first thing Thursday morning at 8am.

My progesterone has stayed where it needed as well, so assuming that we have some embryos, we should be fine to transfer next Tuesday. 

I told T that I'm finally ready to be excited.  It's taken awhile, and I seem to have gone a little crazy with home remodeling projects in order to take my mind of this process.  But I'm ready to put the IVF hat back on and unabashedly hope and pray for some good news this time. 

My mom was here last weekend and helped a bit with the naming of our embryos.  I'm not ready to give up those names yet (let's at least wait for the embies to come to fruition), but let's just say they are a bro and a sis that are beloved by all.  And are propped by a great force :)