Thank you for the notes of support we have received over the last few days. I know I haven't really responded to any of them, and part of it is I'm just not ready to think about it that much. But it really does mean a lot to me.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Just the facts
We ended up going today for our first ultrasound (basically I asked, and received -- who knew that it would be that easy?)
However, the news is not good.
The first nurse looked at the gestational sac for what seemed like forever. She did not say a word. Just moving the wand and looking. Moving and looking. I thought I could see things, but I had no idea what to look for.
She said there did not appear to be a heartbeat. She went and got the head nurse.
That nurse did the same. Moving the wand and looking. She wanted the doctor to come and confirm, and he did as well. There is no heartbeat. They couldn't pinpoint the time the baby stopped developing. The yolk sac appeared to be disintegrating, so they couldn't do exact measurements. We asked if there was any chance of viability and were told no.
They left us alone and we cried a lot.
We will do a D&C a week from tomorrow. They will do a last ultrasound that day to ensure a miracle didn't occur, but had zero confidence that would happen.
My heart is broken.
However, the news is not good.
The first nurse looked at the gestational sac for what seemed like forever. She did not say a word. Just moving the wand and looking. Moving and looking. I thought I could see things, but I had no idea what to look for.
She said there did not appear to be a heartbeat. She went and got the head nurse.
That nurse did the same. Moving the wand and looking. She wanted the doctor to come and confirm, and he did as well. There is no heartbeat. They couldn't pinpoint the time the baby stopped developing. The yolk sac appeared to be disintegrating, so they couldn't do exact measurements. We asked if there was any chance of viability and were told no.
They left us alone and we cried a lot.
We will do a D&C a week from tomorrow. They will do a last ultrasound that day to ensure a miracle didn't occur, but had zero confidence that would happen.
My heart is broken.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Six weeks
I'm six weeks pregnant today. That still doesn't seem right to even type out. I feel like I'm living in this fake alterna-world right now. The ultrasound next week will make all the difference in the world, I think, but for now, I'm just trying to "stay cool". I fail at this occasionally (I believe T would use the word "often"), but I'm really trying to remind myself that I have no reason to actually worry. I'm getting more nauseous, my boobs still really hurt, my couple days of light brown spotting has stopped. All should be well.
So with that, I'll concentrate on being pregnant and all that brings, especially the miracles that are apparently happening inside me while I watch the Super Bowl tonight.
The baby is the size of a sweet pea. It looks something like this:
Isn't that supremely crazy? Even crazier - the heart is beating. In that little ole thing. In this being that could rest on the pad of my little finger if I could hold it. Craziest? The baby will TRIPLE in size by next week. By week's end, the little webbed hands and feet could even be wiggling. God is a pretty awesome architect.
We had a lovely weekend this past weekend with my parents on Friday night and T's mom on Saturday. My parents tried to bring up a nonalcoholic wine for me in hopes I wouldn't feel left out as they imbibed with T. Sorry to say, that crap is icky. Consider me your taste tester, and don't bother - might as well just pour some grape juice in a wine glass. I'll stick with my water for now. God willing, I won't be able to partake until fall in a nice glass of wine.
This week will continue to be a hard one as we continue to wait, but I'll keep on trucking!
So with that, I'll concentrate on being pregnant and all that brings, especially the miracles that are apparently happening inside me while I watch the Super Bowl tonight.
The baby is the size of a sweet pea. It looks something like this:
Isn't that supremely crazy? Even crazier - the heart is beating. In that little ole thing. In this being that could rest on the pad of my little finger if I could hold it. Craziest? The baby will TRIPLE in size by next week. By week's end, the little webbed hands and feet could even be wiggling. God is a pretty awesome architect.
We had a lovely weekend this past weekend with my parents on Friday night and T's mom on Saturday. My parents tried to bring up a nonalcoholic wine for me in hopes I wouldn't feel left out as they imbibed with T. Sorry to say, that crap is icky. Consider me your taste tester, and don't bother - might as well just pour some grape juice in a wine glass. I'll stick with my water for now. God willing, I won't be able to partake until fall in a nice glass of wine.
This week will continue to be a hard one as we continue to wait, but I'll keep on trucking!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Anxious and nervous
This wait for an ultrasound is severely more tortuous than any other previous "two-week wait". I have vivid "day-mares" that we will walk in and be told that we are no longer pregnant. That we had a missed miscarriage. That the baby stopped growing.
I am constantly symptom spotting. Do my boobs hurt as much as they did yesterday? Is that real morning sickness settling in when I get a brief wave of nausea? I felt nauseous most of the day yesterday, but have yet to have any issues today. I would give anything to be throwing up right now. I know people that have had horrid morning sickness would tell me that was a ridiculous thing to ask for, but the uncertainty I have without it is SO much worse.
I don't really have a lot to say except that I'm not really enjoying being pregnant yet because I'm constantly worrying. I get told that never really changes -- that you always have something to worry about. But I feel like this is the worst, perhaps because I have nothing to reassure me between my last beta and the next ultrasound. Later in pregnancy, I'll be able to feel the baby move and I'll be able to gain comfort in that. But now it is just a big black hole. How in the world do people survive this without going certifiably insane????
On that likely depressing note, here are some interesting things that are more fun and upbeat:
We bought a glider. It was on hella sale and we figure we can put it in our bedroom if "something bad happens". It takes awhile to ship so we don't have it yet, but it is gorgeous and gray and I hope I get to spend lots of happy times in it.
My dog is obsessed with my stomach. I may need to devote an entire blog post to this if it keeps up. He is miserable if he can't have his paw draped on my stomach while I'm sleeping. Or lay across it completely. If I move him, he just sits there and licks my stomach and cries that he's not allowed to get closer. Then he jumps off the bed and watches me like a creepshow. Then after I relax and get back to sleep, he'll jump back up on the bed and land right on my stomach. It was cute for awhile, but is getting kind of annoying since it keeps me up at night.
We told my stepdaughter that she was likely going to be a big sister, but cautioned that it was still early. She was excited, but I think she's a little leery of losing her only child status at our house. She perks up a lot when we remind her that we'd pay her to babysit.
I am 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant today. I really hope I can keep increasing that each and every week.
I am constantly symptom spotting. Do my boobs hurt as much as they did yesterday? Is that real morning sickness settling in when I get a brief wave of nausea? I felt nauseous most of the day yesterday, but have yet to have any issues today. I would give anything to be throwing up right now. I know people that have had horrid morning sickness would tell me that was a ridiculous thing to ask for, but the uncertainty I have without it is SO much worse.
I don't really have a lot to say except that I'm not really enjoying being pregnant yet because I'm constantly worrying. I get told that never really changes -- that you always have something to worry about. But I feel like this is the worst, perhaps because I have nothing to reassure me between my last beta and the next ultrasound. Later in pregnancy, I'll be able to feel the baby move and I'll be able to gain comfort in that. But now it is just a big black hole. How in the world do people survive this without going certifiably insane????
On that likely depressing note, here are some interesting things that are more fun and upbeat:
We bought a glider. It was on hella sale and we figure we can put it in our bedroom if "something bad happens". It takes awhile to ship so we don't have it yet, but it is gorgeous and gray and I hope I get to spend lots of happy times in it.
My dog is obsessed with my stomach. I may need to devote an entire blog post to this if it keeps up. He is miserable if he can't have his paw draped on my stomach while I'm sleeping. Or lay across it completely. If I move him, he just sits there and licks my stomach and cries that he's not allowed to get closer. Then he jumps off the bed and watches me like a creepshow. Then after I relax and get back to sleep, he'll jump back up on the bed and land right on my stomach. It was cute for awhile, but is getting kind of annoying since it keeps me up at night.
We told my stepdaughter that she was likely going to be a big sister, but cautioned that it was still early. She was excited, but I think she's a little leery of losing her only child status at our house. She perks up a lot when we remind her that we'd pay her to babysit.
I am 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant today. I really hope I can keep increasing that each and every week.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Beta #2
What the hell is a beta?
I heard this question a couple times after my last post, so we'll do some science education first!
When the embryo implants in the uterus, it starts secreting the "pregnancy" hormone, which is called human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG. hCG will start small and continue to rise throughout pregnancy.
Home pregnancy tests are trying to detect hCG. Some have different sensititives than others. Perhaps one can detect it when it is at a level of 10 mlU/ml or above, some may be more like 50. But if you get a positive, you just know that it is above that range...you don't know the actual number.
The beta is the actual numerical measurement of that hormone. So, while we knew we had something in our system from the home pregnancy tests, we didn't know how much. This is normal for most natural pregnancies. Those folks would never get a blood test unless there were issues suspected. They would just wait for the first ob/gyn appointment (usually not for several more weeks), and plan to do an ultrasound at that time to detect the fetal heartbeat.
The good news for us is that we are not normal. We actually are technically normal now, as our "known" issue was getting pregnant, not staying pregnant (FINGERS CROSSED!). But the clinic treats all patients the same, so we get the similar special treatment as someone who needs more constant monitoring because of recurring miscarriages or something along those lines.
The actual acceptable range of hCG at any given point is pretty wide. You can go to several websites, and even the "min" and "max" and "average" they quote will be different. One of the medical sites indicates that for 17 dpo (which is the day that is equivalent to our first beta test a couple days ago), the range should be 60 to 429 with an average of 132. Well, I already know that is kind of b.s., because I know several people who have been outside that range (either above or below) and are perfectly fine. But we'll take our 274 and like it, because we are like being considered normal so far.
More important than the actual number is the rate of increase. Normally progressing betas should double every 30-72 hours while the level is below 1,200 mlU/ml. So our 274 on its own is somewhat meaningless in judging the viability of our pregnancy. We really want to take the beta test again and calculate the doubling time as well, which was the point of today's test. The doctor told us that he would be happy for at least 500 (doubling time of 55.32 hours). T and I were hoping for some more cushion than that, and were keeping our fingers crossed for at least 600 (42.45 hour doubling time). We were even taking the tests at the same time on each day to make the results really aligned.
We totally killed it! Beta #2 was 755. This equates to a doubling time of 32.82 hours! Yay!!!!!!
So now we start a period which may even be worse than the traditional two week waits of yore. We have nothing else upcoming except an ultrasound, which won't be for a couple weeks. Blech. I can't wait that long!!
I heard this question a couple times after my last post, so we'll do some science education first!
When the embryo implants in the uterus, it starts secreting the "pregnancy" hormone, which is called human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG. hCG will start small and continue to rise throughout pregnancy.
Home pregnancy tests are trying to detect hCG. Some have different sensititives than others. Perhaps one can detect it when it is at a level of 10 mlU/ml or above, some may be more like 50. But if you get a positive, you just know that it is above that range...you don't know the actual number.
The beta is the actual numerical measurement of that hormone. So, while we knew we had something in our system from the home pregnancy tests, we didn't know how much. This is normal for most natural pregnancies. Those folks would never get a blood test unless there were issues suspected. They would just wait for the first ob/gyn appointment (usually not for several more weeks), and plan to do an ultrasound at that time to detect the fetal heartbeat.
The good news for us is that we are not normal. We actually are technically normal now, as our "known" issue was getting pregnant, not staying pregnant (FINGERS CROSSED!). But the clinic treats all patients the same, so we get the similar special treatment as someone who needs more constant monitoring because of recurring miscarriages or something along those lines.
The actual acceptable range of hCG at any given point is pretty wide. You can go to several websites, and even the "min" and "max" and "average" they quote will be different. One of the medical sites indicates that for 17 dpo (which is the day that is equivalent to our first beta test a couple days ago), the range should be 60 to 429 with an average of 132. Well, I already know that is kind of b.s., because I know several people who have been outside that range (either above or below) and are perfectly fine. But we'll take our 274 and like it, because we are like being considered normal so far.
More important than the actual number is the rate of increase. Normally progressing betas should double every 30-72 hours while the level is below 1,200 mlU/ml. So our 274 on its own is somewhat meaningless in judging the viability of our pregnancy. We really want to take the beta test again and calculate the doubling time as well, which was the point of today's test. The doctor told us that he would be happy for at least 500 (doubling time of 55.32 hours). T and I were hoping for some more cushion than that, and were keeping our fingers crossed for at least 600 (42.45 hour doubling time). We were even taking the tests at the same time on each day to make the results really aligned.
We totally killed it! Beta #2 was 755. This equates to a doubling time of 32.82 hours! Yay!!!!!!
So now we start a period which may even be worse than the traditional two week waits of yore. We have nothing else upcoming except an ultrasound, which won't be for a couple weeks. Blech. I can't wait that long!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Crying
You think I'd be used to crying. It has happened so many times through this process. Certainly from being in the depths of despair, but also when feeling the highest of highs. Crying is such a release; it takes all that pent-up emotion and just exports it out of your body, so you can start fresh. When you cry, you begin the process of getting back to your true self.
I remember crying when I started my period after my first IVF, losing Artie and Herkie forever.
I cried when I had my first anniversary with my husband and reflected on how lucky I was.
I definitely shed tears after our first IUI, the one that had no chance of being successful and wasn't -- but we really honestly thought it was the one.
I cried when my second IVF transfer was canceled, even though I knew we were doing the right thing to give Link and Zelda a fighting chance.
I imagine if someone were to watch me cry. For some of the above, I imagine my cries would make them as devastated as I was. Other times, they may be trying to be empathetic, but actually biting their lip to hold back laughter in how crazy I looked.
Crying isn't all bad. This video is absolutely one of my favorite ones on You Tube right now. (It's less than 3 minutes and definitely safe for work, so give it a whirl) This girl knows that crying can reflect on something good:
Her crying is very similar to mine when I saw this in the morning only 5 days after our transfer on January 16th:
And maybe it was a bit more exaggerated and comical when we were able to send this picture to my parents as a complete surprise that same night:
And it was truly the best cry ever when I got back my beta today. 274! The median for a single pregnancy at this point is 299, so we are right there (and looking like one baby rather than two)...but we'll see!
We are having a baby/babies!!!!!
I remember crying when I started my period after my first IVF, losing Artie and Herkie forever.
I cried when I had my first anniversary with my husband and reflected on how lucky I was.
I definitely shed tears after our first IUI, the one that had no chance of being successful and wasn't -- but we really honestly thought it was the one.
I cried when my second IVF transfer was canceled, even though I knew we were doing the right thing to give Link and Zelda a fighting chance.
I imagine if someone were to watch me cry. For some of the above, I imagine my cries would make them as devastated as I was. Other times, they may be trying to be empathetic, but actually biting their lip to hold back laughter in how crazy I looked.
Crying isn't all bad. This video is absolutely one of my favorite ones on You Tube right now. (It's less than 3 minutes and definitely safe for work, so give it a whirl) This girl knows that crying can reflect on something good:
Her crying is very similar to mine when I saw this in the morning only 5 days after our transfer on January 16th:
 |
| It's light, but it is there! It only got darker each day. |
And maybe it was a bit more exaggerated and comical when we were able to send this picture to my parents as a complete surprise that same night:
 |
| Note the drinks of choice for each of us :) |
And it was truly the best cry ever when I got back my beta today. 274! The median for a single pregnancy at this point is 299, so we are right there (and looking like one baby rather than two)...but we'll see!
We are having a baby/babies!!!!!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The obligatory numbers post
Every blog related to infertility/IVF seems to have one of these, so I figured I should throw one out there. It is both comforting and horrifying to see the numbers in print, but given that this is a huge part of our lives now --- here it is, in desending order, for better or for worse!
Money spent on infertility: This one is too scary to put down, even though I have a handy excel spreadsheet that summarizes every dollar given to our clinic, our main pharmacy, my therapist, my acupuncturist, and my allergist. I didn't count the ridiculous amounts spent on pregnancy tests that showed countless negatives, how much wine was consumed purely to numb our emotions sometimes, or the multitude of over-the-counter vitamins and drugs I purchased. So let's just say that it is very safely into 5 digits, but at least doesn't quite round up to 6 digits.
days trying to get pregnant (through the day of transfer): 741
subcutaneous shots (in the belly): 103
negative pregnancy tests: approximately 72
allergy pills taken: 70
acupuncture visits: 21
intramuscular shots (in the butt): 19 (and counting!)
ridiculously cold and slimy transvaginal ultrasounds: 17
eggs retrieved through both retrievals: 15
dates T had with his plastic cup "Sally": 12
shots given in a bar/restaurant/or otherwise not in comfort of own home: 12
times we cried hysterically and washed it down with bottle(s) of wine: 8 (at least)
Xs drawn on my ass with permanent marker: 8
embryos created: 5
embryos frozen: 2
number of champagne bottles purchased for celebration (with a corresponding sparkling grape juice bottle): 2
number of champagne bottles turned into mimosas after a full-on negative result: 1
number of positive pregnancy tests that weren't positive pregnancy tests: 1 - I had to take one right after my last retreival just to see a positive. It was because my trigger shot had the hcg hormone in it. I had not even transferred anything yet!
And we're not done yet! Hopefully we'll have a nice high juicy beta number to add to the list after we get our blood results next week! Fingers crossed!
Money spent on infertility: This one is too scary to put down, even though I have a handy excel spreadsheet that summarizes every dollar given to our clinic, our main pharmacy, my therapist, my acupuncturist, and my allergist. I didn't count the ridiculous amounts spent on pregnancy tests that showed countless negatives, how much wine was consumed purely to numb our emotions sometimes, or the multitude of over-the-counter vitamins and drugs I purchased. So let's just say that it is very safely into 5 digits, but at least doesn't quite round up to 6 digits.
days trying to get pregnant (through the day of transfer): 741
subcutaneous shots (in the belly): 103
negative pregnancy tests: approximately 72
allergy pills taken: 70
acupuncture visits: 21
intramuscular shots (in the butt): 19 (and counting!)
ridiculously cold and slimy transvaginal ultrasounds: 17
eggs retrieved through both retrievals: 15
dates T had with his plastic cup "Sally": 12
shots given in a bar/restaurant/or otherwise not in comfort of own home: 12
times we cried hysterically and washed it down with bottle(s) of wine: 8 (at least)
Xs drawn on my ass with permanent marker: 8
embryos created: 5
embryos frozen: 2
number of champagne bottles purchased for celebration (with a corresponding sparkling grape juice bottle): 2
number of champagne bottles turned into mimosas after a full-on negative result: 1
number of positive pregnancy tests that weren't positive pregnancy tests: 1 - I had to take one right after my last retreival just to see a positive. It was because my trigger shot had the hcg hormone in it. I had not even transferred anything yet!
And we're not done yet! Hopefully we'll have a nice high juicy beta number to add to the list after we get our blood results next week! Fingers crossed!
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