Anxious and nervous

This wait for an ultrasound is severely more tortuous than any other previous "two-week wait".  I have vivid "day-mares" that we will walk in and be told that we are no longer pregnant.  That we had a missed miscarriage.  That the baby stopped growing.

I am constantly symptom spotting.  Do my boobs hurt as much as they did yesterday?  Is that real morning sickness settling in when I get a brief wave of nausea?  I felt nauseous most of the day yesterday, but have yet to have any issues today.  I would give anything to be throwing up right now.  I know people that have had horrid morning sickness would tell me that was a ridiculous thing to ask for, but the uncertainty I have without it is SO much worse.

I don't really have a lot to say except that I'm not really enjoying being pregnant yet because I'm constantly worrying.  I get told that never really changes -- that you always have something to worry about.  But I feel like this is the worst, perhaps because I have nothing to reassure me between my last beta and the next ultrasound.  Later in pregnancy, I'll be able to feel the baby move and I'll be able to gain comfort in that.  But now it is just a big black hole.  How in the world do people survive this without going certifiably insane????

On that likely depressing note, here are some interesting things that are more fun and upbeat:

We bought a glider.  It was on hella sale and we figure we can put it in our bedroom if "something bad happens".  It takes awhile to ship so we don't have it yet, but it is gorgeous and gray and I hope I get to spend lots of happy times in it.

My dog is obsessed with my stomach.  I may need to devote an entire blog post to this if it keeps up.  He is miserable if he can't have his paw draped on my stomach while I'm sleeping.  Or lay across it completely.  If I move him, he just sits there and licks my stomach and cries that he's not allowed to get closer.  Then he jumps off the bed and watches me like a creepshow.  Then after I relax and get back to sleep, he'll jump back up on the bed and land right on my stomach.   It was cute for awhile, but is getting kind of annoying since it keeps me up at night. 

We told my stepdaughter that she was likely going to be a big sister, but cautioned that it was still early.  She was excited, but I think she's a little leery of losing her only child status at our house.  She perks up a lot when we remind her that we'd pay her to babysit.

I am 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant today.  I really hope I can keep increasing that each and every week.