Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day (5w3d)

This Mother's Day is an odd one.  I don't know where I belong.  I am extremely lucky that my husband has always honored my stepmothering on this day (since I'm obviously a super awesome stepmom), so I was never really completely left out in  years past.  But I still felt a kinship with the groups of infertilies that avoided Mother's Day like the plague.  A reminder of a day that was not made for them.  I was never overly bitter; again, I wouldn't even have recognized its ability to alienate people without having gone through this experience.  But it still wasn't my day.

This Mother's Day I did receive some wonderful and thoughtful gifts from T and Cam (including a trip to Minneapolis to see The Postal Service in concert later this summer!).  I received some even more unexpected acknowledgements of my mothery-ness through texts and emails, which was pretty cool.  But I don't feel like I"m legit yet.  I feel that there is still that risk that I lose this child(ren) and next Mother's Day will still seem like a day for the "other" people.  I'm in a no-man's-land right now.

Facebook never helps.  It is amazing how something as innocuous as a Mother's Day holler can invoke such emotion in me.  And the poster obviously is completely oblivious to the fact that her post does this.  And there is no reason she should think otherwise.  But the problem is that I read this:  "Happy mother's day to all you other mommas out there.  Childbirth was painful so have a great day today to celebrate!".

And I see this:  "Happy mother's day to all you other mommas out there.  Childbirth was painful so have a great day today to celebrate!  So obviously this is not a day for you adoptive moms - screw you if you didn't birth your child.  And if you aren't a momma, well, this isn't your day, so it'll probably be a crap one"

Will there ever be a time I don't append well-intentioned comments with my own view of the world?

I was lucky enough to enjoy the mother's day weekend with my own fabulous momma.  It was actually pretty random that my husband happened to buy his sister baseball tickets for this weekend as a present.  So we piled, T, T's sister, my stepdaughter, the dog, and me into my little sedan and drove to Kansas City for the night and stayed with my folks while they hit the game.  Hugs from my mom and dad can turn any day right side up.

All in all, it was a great weekend, and the first week of my two week wait for ultrasound is almost complete. I'm pretty sure this next week will be the longest week ever.

I do have my symptoms to keep me company.  And although I have boatloads of doubts on the viability of this pregnancy, just based on past experience, in reality, my symptoms are definitely more pronounced than the prior pregnancy.

  • I took a nap after work pretty much every day last week.  And still barely stayed up past nine at night.  I also take power naps in the bathroom stalls at work.  It's pretty classy.
  • My boob ouchiness quotient has pretty much skyrocketed.  Not that it is necessarily unbearable, but it is just so constant at this point.  And the pain feels more deep inside (probably because I'm pretty sure they are getting bigger!)
  • I'm fairly constantly nauseous.  It's gone from bouts that were somewhat intense (although no vomiting) to a more constant, less intense seasickness feeling.  It's most noticeable if I haven't eaten or right after I eat an actual meal and stand up.  
  • I get up to pee at least 1-2 times during the night.   
  • I burp approximately every 32 seconds.
  • I can go from huge smiles to body-wracking sobs in about 10 seconds flat.  I think this symptom is T's favorite.
Also, it was about this time this time that I had spotting last go around.  Despite the nurses telling me that was "normal", it was coupled with the loss of my pretty scant symptoms.  I'm fairly sure that is when the embryo just stopped developing.  Therefore, I feel like I've made it further this pregnancy, even though I have no confirmation of that whatsoever.  

One more week.  One more week.  PLEASE let there be a healthy developing baby.

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