Gratitude

*****WARNING:  I went back and forth on whether to blog about the actual miscarriage or not.  I finally decided I would given that I spent a ridiculous amount of hours online looking for anecdotes like these to help prepare me.  So I'm doing this for those that might google "how many days until I miscarry", "how does a miscarriage start", "how long did you bleed", "how much blood was there", etc.  If you don't want to have to read this, then definitely skip this post.  Of course, the biggest disclaimer is that I didn't find a single consistent experience out there, so ultimately everyone is different.  And I'm in a fairly good mood today and not too scarred, so I apologize if any of the Dexter-like blood spatter jokes offend anyone*******

For a little reminder on timeline, we heard on Thursday (the 23rd) that our little Jedi was absoultely no more.  No fetal pole, obviously no heartbeat, everything had been absorbed back into the gestational sac.  In contrast to our awful ultrasound a few days prior, the nurse and the doctor did handle this one with aplomb.  I obviously do not envy their position in having to give this kind of news to people, and I honestly could not have asked them to handle it better. 

That being said, T and I still had the negative taste of the prior experiences in our mouth, and knew that we we left the clinic that Thursday, we very likely would never step foot back inside.

We had a quiet, long Memorial Day weekend as I prepared to pass the pregnancy naturally.  It was important for me to do it naturally this time.  In retrospect, I'm still glad I did, and it made it more "real".  It makes it easier to grieve the loss.  By Tuesday morning, nothing had happened.  Just by chance, I had a annual exam at my ob/gyn scheduled for a couple days out, so I called them to see what I should do about the appointment.  They decided for me to come in that same day to check my progress and see if there was anything they could do to help.

That experience was awesome.  They confirmed that there was no viable pregnancy in my womb, but that wasn't a surprise and I could handle that fairly easily.  They (my doctor and nurse) also sat and just talked to me about all of my experiences at the clinic for about 30 minutes.  I just felt so cared about, and also the ultrasound was SO much better than the clinic's.  It did make me yearn for the ability to just have a child naturally and have this be my only doctor experience.  They went ahead and gave me my rho gam shot since I'm O- (something my clinic did at my d&c, but never even mentioned this time), and said to call them if I was running a fever or wanted to get checked again for progress.  I was so happy to have them in my corner.

A few hours before the appointment, I had finally starting bleeding.  It was pretty sudden...I just sneezed and I could feel the "woosh" of something exiting my body.  I went to the bathroom at work, and had already soaked through the pad I was wearing.  I passed a few clots and changed my pads a few times over the next hour.  But by the time I got to the ob/gyn, the blood had slowed.  The doctor was telling me he expected I'd miscarry in the next week, and stupid me asked if it had possibly already happened.  He laughed a little bit, and said that I would definitely know when it happened.  He also pointed at the large gestational sac still showing on the ultrasound, and reminded me that is what I had to miscarry.  Hmm...duh.

By that night, the bleeding had completely stopped and I didn't have a drop during the day on Wednesday.  I decided to go ahead and have a drink with a friend after work.  I assumed (falsely) that I'd have some warning before the process started up again.  Some spotting, or cramps or something of the kind.  From what I read, it seemed that started and then the miscarriage itself happened the following day.  That was definitely not MY experience, so it's important to know that it may not happen that way.

Rather, as my friend and I were wrapping up, I could feel that I was starting to bleed a little.  This seemed like a great opportunity to say goodbye and head home.  I was thinking the earliest it would likely really start after this initial bleeding would be overnight that night, and possibly into the morning.  Then I stood up.  I was wearing a dress to work, since I could barely fit into pants anyway with my bloat, and I was wearing a pad the size of a diaper.  I had purchased these kind of "hot pants" at Target to wear under my dress to provide me a little more protection.  I cringe to think what would have happened if I didn't have all this on.  I could not even remotely imagine this happening unexpectedly.  In fact, that thought makes me die a little inside for those it does happen to. 

Anyway, when I stood up, I could feel that some large mass had left my body.  I was scared to walk, but figured if I could get to my car, I could get home and see what I was dealing with there.  As we got outside, I looked down and blood is running down my bare legs.  I'm about to get hysterical at this point, and I just didn't know what to do.  Thankfully, I have literally one of the best friends in the entire world.  She calmly and efficiently walked me back into the bar, led me to the bathroom, and texted my husband to let him know what was happening.  I passed most of the larger pieces (including the sac) in the bathroom and changed my pad.  At this point, my legs and arms are pretty covered, but my friend, again ever so calmly, washed it all off me with wet paper towels.  I know I would have done the same thing for one of my friends, but I'm not sure I could have kept as sane while doing so.  Major gratitude #1:  Thank you to one of my "sunniest" friends ever for being there for me in a way I'm sure she never planned.  Major gratitude #2:  Thanks to all the strangers in the bar that I hope never recognize me in public.  I'm sorry for basically creating a crime scene in your bathroom.

I was cleaned up enough that I just wanted to go home to finish the process.  My husband was in the garage as soon as I opened the door, and again was super calm in the face of my hysterics.  I shed all my clothes, half of which ended up in the trash (and I sure hope the cleaners can help my dress), and he managed to get me upstairs to the shower.  I spent the next 30 minutes or so there, just letting everyting happen, and finally finished everything in the most relaxed way I could given the situation.  In the meantime, my lucky husband got to clean out the front of my car.  I really hope that nothing criminal happens to me soon, or my husband will likely get questioned by the forensics team on what the hell happened in my car.  Major gratitude #3:  My husband likely saw me at the most vunerable ever at this time and didn't blink an eye.  I know that it was actually very difficult for him to have to take charge when he was also hurting immensely from the experience, but he did, and I cannot thank him or love him enough for it.

Then, it was pretty much over.  I was still bleeding pretty heavily, but was much more calmed down and could just sit and watch some TV and relax a bit more.  I have been bleeding off and on since then, and cramped some more last night while passing a few more clots, but absolutely nothing unmanageable.  For me, (being 6-7 weeks along when the baby stopped developing), the pain was not horrible at all and the shock really came from the amount of blood and tissue that was involved.  Obviously, everyone has a different experience, but that was mine.

While I do wish it would have just all happened in the privacy of our home, I'm so glad it happened the way it did versus in the office.  I'll never see these strangers again, I had a lovely friend with me to support me, and I could get to my car fairly easily.  I work at a Fortune 500 company and am on a first name basis with the C-level employees due to my role.  I was sitting in a Friday morning meeting today that included the CEO, CFO, CIO, etc, along with about 12 other people.  I realized while sitting there that the worst possible scenario would be for this to have happened while I was in that meeting.  I am literally thanking God and every personage I can think of that it happened the way it did.  If you are "lucky" enough to have a missed miscarriage (in that you know that it is coming), I honestly would say to avoid these types of situations as much as possible.  I was surprised at how quickly it happened for me, with very little warning.

So I end this week having aged a million years.  It really just solidified how done T and I are with fertility treatments and botched pregnancies.  I again felt relief above all else and am closing the book on this part of our lives with more peace than I could have imagined was possible. 

We are so ready to move on, and I'm actually super excited to blog about our upcoming journeys once we are ready to start laying the groundwork.  Major gratitude #4:  Thank you to all the family and friends and strangers that have supported us these last few years.  While I was happy to have an outlet for all the emotions and physical challenges, I know that many times it just made you hurt along with us.  I ask that you continue to support us as we change our path, even though I'm certain that it will have ups and downs as well. 

Have a great weekend!  I know that I will.  With lots of love.  And wine.

With that, I leave you with a pic of our moose -- the continual baby in our life.  He has been super happy to be a source of comfort and cuddles.