Gratitude

*****WARNING:  I went back and forth on whether to blog about the actual miscarriage or not.  I finally decided I would given that I spent a ridiculous amount of hours online looking for anecdotes like these to help prepare me.  So I'm doing this for those that might google "how many days until I miscarry", "how does a miscarriage start", "how long did you bleed", "how much blood was there", etc.  If you don't want to have to read this, then definitely skip this post.  Of course, the biggest disclaimer is that I didn't find a single consistent experience out there, so ultimately everyone is different.  And I'm in a fairly good mood today and not too scarred, so I apologize if any of the Dexter-like blood spatter jokes offend anyone*******

For a little reminder on timeline, we heard on Thursday (the 23rd) that our little Jedi was absoultely no more.  No fetal pole, obviously no heartbeat, everything had been absorbed back into the gestational sac.  In contrast to our awful ultrasound a few days prior, the nurse and the doctor did handle this one with aplomb.  I obviously do not envy their position in having to give this kind of news to people, and I honestly could not have asked them to handle it better. 

That being said, T and I still had the negative taste of the prior experiences in our mouth, and knew that we we left the clinic that Thursday, we very likely would never step foot back inside.

We had a quiet, long Memorial Day weekend as I prepared to pass the pregnancy naturally.  It was important for me to do it naturally this time.  In retrospect, I'm still glad I did, and it made it more "real".  It makes it easier to grieve the loss.  By Tuesday morning, nothing had happened.  Just by chance, I had a annual exam at my ob/gyn scheduled for a couple days out, so I called them to see what I should do about the appointment.  They decided for me to come in that same day to check my progress and see if there was anything they could do to help.

That experience was awesome.  They confirmed that there was no viable pregnancy in my womb, but that wasn't a surprise and I could handle that fairly easily.  They (my doctor and nurse) also sat and just talked to me about all of my experiences at the clinic for about 30 minutes.  I just felt so cared about, and also the ultrasound was SO much better than the clinic's.  It did make me yearn for the ability to just have a child naturally and have this be my only doctor experience.  They went ahead and gave me my rho gam shot since I'm O- (something my clinic did at my d&c, but never even mentioned this time), and said to call them if I was running a fever or wanted to get checked again for progress.  I was so happy to have them in my corner.

A few hours before the appointment, I had finally starting bleeding.  It was pretty sudden...I just sneezed and I could feel the "woosh" of something exiting my body.  I went to the bathroom at work, and had already soaked through the pad I was wearing.  I passed a few clots and changed my pads a few times over the next hour.  But by the time I got to the ob/gyn, the blood had slowed.  The doctor was telling me he expected I'd miscarry in the next week, and stupid me asked if it had possibly already happened.  He laughed a little bit, and said that I would definitely know when it happened.  He also pointed at the large gestational sac still showing on the ultrasound, and reminded me that is what I had to miscarry.  Hmm...duh.

By that night, the bleeding had completely stopped and I didn't have a drop during the day on Wednesday.  I decided to go ahead and have a drink with a friend after work.  I assumed (falsely) that I'd have some warning before the process started up again.  Some spotting, or cramps or something of the kind.  From what I read, it seemed that started and then the miscarriage itself happened the following day.  That was definitely not MY experience, so it's important to know that it may not happen that way.

Rather, as my friend and I were wrapping up, I could feel that I was starting to bleed a little.  This seemed like a great opportunity to say goodbye and head home.  I was thinking the earliest it would likely really start after this initial bleeding would be overnight that night, and possibly into the morning.  Then I stood up.  I was wearing a dress to work, since I could barely fit into pants anyway with my bloat, and I was wearing a pad the size of a diaper.  I had purchased these kind of "hot pants" at Target to wear under my dress to provide me a little more protection.  I cringe to think what would have happened if I didn't have all this on.  I could not even remotely imagine this happening unexpectedly.  In fact, that thought makes me die a little inside for those it does happen to. 

Anyway, when I stood up, I could feel that some large mass had left my body.  I was scared to walk, but figured if I could get to my car, I could get home and see what I was dealing with there.  As we got outside, I looked down and blood is running down my bare legs.  I'm about to get hysterical at this point, and I just didn't know what to do.  Thankfully, I have literally one of the best friends in the entire world.  She calmly and efficiently walked me back into the bar, led me to the bathroom, and texted my husband to let him know what was happening.  I passed most of the larger pieces (including the sac) in the bathroom and changed my pad.  At this point, my legs and arms are pretty covered, but my friend, again ever so calmly, washed it all off me with wet paper towels.  I know I would have done the same thing for one of my friends, but I'm not sure I could have kept as sane while doing so.  Major gratitude #1:  Thank you to one of my "sunniest" friends ever for being there for me in a way I'm sure she never planned.  Major gratitude #2:  Thanks to all the strangers in the bar that I hope never recognize me in public.  I'm sorry for basically creating a crime scene in your bathroom.

I was cleaned up enough that I just wanted to go home to finish the process.  My husband was in the garage as soon as I opened the door, and again was super calm in the face of my hysterics.  I shed all my clothes, half of which ended up in the trash (and I sure hope the cleaners can help my dress), and he managed to get me upstairs to the shower.  I spent the next 30 minutes or so there, just letting everyting happen, and finally finished everything in the most relaxed way I could given the situation.  In the meantime, my lucky husband got to clean out the front of my car.  I really hope that nothing criminal happens to me soon, or my husband will likely get questioned by the forensics team on what the hell happened in my car.  Major gratitude #3:  My husband likely saw me at the most vunerable ever at this time and didn't blink an eye.  I know that it was actually very difficult for him to have to take charge when he was also hurting immensely from the experience, but he did, and I cannot thank him or love him enough for it.

Then, it was pretty much over.  I was still bleeding pretty heavily, but was much more calmed down and could just sit and watch some TV and relax a bit more.  I have been bleeding off and on since then, and cramped some more last night while passing a few more clots, but absolutely nothing unmanageable.  For me, (being 6-7 weeks along when the baby stopped developing), the pain was not horrible at all and the shock really came from the amount of blood and tissue that was involved.  Obviously, everyone has a different experience, but that was mine.

While I do wish it would have just all happened in the privacy of our home, I'm so glad it happened the way it did versus in the office.  I'll never see these strangers again, I had a lovely friend with me to support me, and I could get to my car fairly easily.  I work at a Fortune 500 company and am on a first name basis with the C-level employees due to my role.  I was sitting in a Friday morning meeting today that included the CEO, CFO, CIO, etc, along with about 12 other people.  I realized while sitting there that the worst possible scenario would be for this to have happened while I was in that meeting.  I am literally thanking God and every personage I can think of that it happened the way it did.  If you are "lucky" enough to have a missed miscarriage (in that you know that it is coming), I honestly would say to avoid these types of situations as much as possible.  I was surprised at how quickly it happened for me, with very little warning.

So I end this week having aged a million years.  It really just solidified how done T and I are with fertility treatments and botched pregnancies.  I again felt relief above all else and am closing the book on this part of our lives with more peace than I could have imagined was possible. 

We are so ready to move on, and I'm actually super excited to blog about our upcoming journeys once we are ready to start laying the groundwork.  Major gratitude #4:  Thank you to all the family and friends and strangers that have supported us these last few years.  While I was happy to have an outlet for all the emotions and physical challenges, I know that many times it just made you hurt along with us.  I ask that you continue to support us as we change our path, even though I'm certain that it will have ups and downs as well. 

Have a great weekend!  I know that I will.  With lots of love.  And wine.

With that, I leave you with a pic of our moose -- the continual baby in our life.  He has been super happy to be a source of comfort and cuddles.

Waiting

It was a strange Friday, the day after we found out we lost the pregnancy again.  I stayed home from work, remembering the last time (we also found out on a Thursday), I went and just stared into space at all the meetings I attended.  As I'm someone who is generally known for being pretty smiley and upbeat, it wasn't difficult for people to notice something was off and question it.  Therefore, I stayed home and logged into my laptop, able to get work done but avoid really any contact with anyone.

I expected to feel depressed, weakened, and generally hopeless.  And I did feel those things to some extent. But my overriding emotion, surprising even to me, was relief.  Now, don't get me wrong -- absolutely not relief that I lost the being that was already so dear to me.  Rather, it was just relief of knowing.  It was freeing.  I didn't necessarily realize it until the weight had been lifted, but this pregnancy was absolutely miserable and stifling.  The first trimester isn't known for being enjoyable anyway, and my experience was amplified by basically living in absolute terror each day.  An overwhelming fear of the future, and the expectation that all was just constantly ready to crumble around me.  And then it did.  Again.  And yet, once it did, the removal of that oppressing fear was one of the best feelings I had in a long time.

We were so prepared to be done with fertility treatments before our second cycle (the first pregnancy).  We had an expectation that it wouldn't work at all, and we felt comfortable at the time knowing our decision would be to not take that path any further.  But then we did get pregnant and a whole new world opened to us.  I told my therapist at the time that my biggest concern after that miscarriage is that I wouldn't know when to stop again.  That I now knew I could get pregnant - a huge accomplishment given it took over two years to even get to that point.  She said simply that I would know.  We would just know.

And on Friday, when I realized how much I hated the anxiety of the last six weeks (really 3 months when you count the IVF cycle itself), I knew.  I don't want to do this again.  I can't do this again.  It eats up every part of me when I do, and especially with these now two losses to weigh on me every day in any future pregnancy.  And the pregnancy itself can't just "happen".  It would take an enormous amount of time and resources to allow me the "privilege" of feeling this miserable.

My husband came in the bedroom as I lay in tears on the bed amidst my pregnancy symptoms that were still in full swing.  As I tried to swallow back the need to throw up everywhere, he said to me that this convinced him.  He was not willing to go through this again either.  So, ultimately, we did know.  My therapist is pretty smart.

So, now I'm waiting for my physical body to catch up with my mental state.  I'm ready to grieve and move on to a new adventure, but yet my body has yet to show any signs of understanding that need.  I have had zero spotting, very minimal cramping.  I still really want to avoid surgery again, but this waiting is tremendously hard.  I don't wish it upon anyone.  I was hoping the bulk would occur over the holiday weekend, but at least I think that I can handle it at work given that it was a fairly early loss.  It will be such a bittersweet time when it does happen.  It will be the cementing of our loss, something that can never be removed from our memory and hearts.  But it will finally allow us to move forward, and I still have the utmost optimism that we will have a complete family someday.

...

I'm not entirely certain what to type.  I really have no words right now.  We were able to get another ultrasound today.  We wanted answers, and we got them.  The yolk sac and 6w2d embryo we saw on Monday had already been absorbed back into the gestational sac.  There was nothing there.  It almost makes Monday a dream.  Can it really disappear that quickly?

I've decided to stop my meds and let it happen naturally.  We could do the d&c and get chromosomal testing done again, but last time that told us nothing.  I'd rather just keep this private to myself, with T.  Luckily, we work at the same company, albeit different buildings.  But he could be by my side very quickly if I needed him.  I'm ready to be done.

We're vaguely talking next options.  We have a lot of anger towards our clinic - unrelated to the actual outcome of our cycles, just how certain aspects were handled.  So I'm not sure we'd go back there.  Maybe travel to a more nationally known clinic.  I'm not sold on that either.  I'm not sure what would actually change.  They can't magically make my babies live.  Adoption is back on the table.  I'm not sure where that one will go either.

I'm not sure.  I'm not sure.  We're fairly broken.  It was more than our hearts this time; it's all of us.  The only thing that is surviving is the collective "us".  I don't know what we would do without each other.  Having T is what makes things ultimately okay.  So I have to believe we'll figure something out.

I'm sorry for the ICLW folks.  What a week to meet us.  I haven't kept up with commenting/reading others' blogs at all, and I apologize.  I promise I'll make it up soon.

Aaargh (6w4d)

We have good news and bad news.  Or indeterminate news.  Or I think the nurse is a buffoon news.

Note that I did say we are 6w4d in the title, and as far as I know, that still holds true.  We measured 6w2d on the ultrasound, so we are right on track.  And we already thought we were a couple days behind based on betas, so truly right on top of expectations in that case.  We saw the gestational sac, the yolk sac, and the fetal pole.  At least the nurse said she did.  I basically saw a lot of spots on a screen :)

However, she said she didn't see the heartbeat.  She said it is so difficult to do at this stage, because you are basically trying to find it on something the size of a grain of rice.  Which totally makes sense to me. She really didn't even look that long, probably a few seconds, until she just stopped and told us to come back in a week to be sure.

Here's the weird thing though.  T and I came home and went on You Tube to see videos others posted of their ultrasounds around the same time.  We wondered how the heartbeat even looked like, because it did seem nearly impossible to see it based on what we were looking at.  In every video we saw, the nurse/tech would basically outline the gestational sac on the monitor and zoom in on the area that she outlined.  So ultimately the sac took up almost the whole screen, and the heartbeat would then be fairly obvious.  In almost all those videos, you definitely wouldn't be able to see it (not without a lot of effort) without zooming in.  But our nurse never zoomed in! I feel kind of cheated right now, like she didn't even do it right?  I've emailed a few gals I know that went through this at my clinic and are pregnant now.  I'd like to know their thoughts.  Maybe we really just are making a mountain out of a molehill, but it's like she didn't even try.

So we are back to "who knows".  I know a few things for certain:

(1) I am definitely more pregnant than I have ever been.
(2) Today was my worst day of nausea thus far.
(3) I'm still exhausted and cranky (which is probably coming through in my blog post!)
(4) I'm really frustrated that we still don't have a discernible answer.  And because of Memorial Day, it is really 8 days before we get back.

In the end, I know that there is nothing we can do about it.  If we wait, we should at least have more certainty of seeing something next week.  And we'll know to ask them to zoom in that time.

For all you lucky folks out there that had ultrasounds this early, what are your thoughts?  Were you able to see a heartbeat on the initial view when they stick the dildo cam in ya?

About me

I'm six weeks today.  I posted a six weeks pregnant post several months ago and it was the last post I had where I was blissfully ignorant that my pregnancy was gone.  Blech.  So I'm trying not to think about pregnancy and symptoms and worry today (hah!  good luck to me).  I don't feel like working.  So you get one of those random about me Facebook-type surveys!  Lucky you!

1.  Were you named after anyone?
I was named after a song from 1967.   It was pretty popular at the time, I guess.  It's pretty cute and I can sing it horribly off-key if anyone wants to hear it :)

2.  When was the last time you cried?
I haven't cried yet today!  I'm freaking awesome and totally accomplished now!  I did cry last night.  Somehow I was happy, and then all of the sudden I was crying.  Losing all control of emotions is one of the perks of this gig.

3.  Do you like your handwriting?
Sure.  I get told it is too perky sometimes.  How can handwriting be perky?

4.  What is your favorite lunch meat?
ALL OF THE MEATS.  All of them.  Turkey, roast beef, ham, ooh pastrami, ooh salami.  I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!  Stupid listeria issues with pregnant woman eating deli meat.  If this is a successful pregnancy, you bet your ass I'll be stuffing my face with sandwiches in about 8 months.

5.  Do you have a pet?
I do not have a pet.  I have THE pet.  The best pet.  The cutest pet.  He's a dog.  His nickname is moose. He dresses as a turtle for Halloween sometimes.  He has single-handedly (pawedly?) turned many an animal-hater into a lover.  He is almost 11, and furry, and cuddly and I will miss him horribly when he is gone.

6.  If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Probably.  I'm guessing I would drive me nuts though.

7.  Do you use sarcasm often?
Absolutely never.  I'll let you read into that what you will.

8.  Do you still have your tonsils and appendix?
Yes and yes.

9.  Would you bungee jump? 
Absolutely.  I hope it is when I'm an Amazing Race contestant.

10.  What is your favorite cereal?
Rice or Multi-Bran Chex when I'm feeling adult.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch when I'm feeling like a kid.

11.  Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
No.  Waste of time.

12.  Do you think you are strong?
Not really.  Maybe emotionally, but not really physically.

13.  What is your favorite ice cream?
Ben & Jerry's Phish Food

14.  What is the first thing you notice about people?
Their shoes and how their pants lay on their shoes.

15.  Red or pink?
Depends on the shade.  I don't like primary color red and light pink.  I like dark pink and dark red.

16.  What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
Oh, where to begin.  Least favorite is probably my tendency to get really sweaty when I'm anxious or nervous. 

17.  Who do you miss the most?
I haven't lost that many people (knock on wood).  I would say my grandparents on my dad's side.  They were rock star grandparents and would totally be rooting us on right now.

18.  What color are your eyes?
Brown

19.  What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
Jeans week at work (yay!) with black flats

20.  What is the last thing that you ate?
Rice Chex with blueberries this morning.  Chicken paprikash and Phish Food last night.

21.  What are you listening to right now?
The new Vampire Weekend album. It's really good!

22.  If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Cerulean

23.  Favorite smell?
I'm not much of a smell person.  Probably lemons.  And paprika.

24.  Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
The artist in Oklahoma that is doing a custom piece for our entryway.  It is going to be so freaking cool.  It's a wood piece with different types of reclaimed wood painted different colors. 

25.  Do you like thunderstorms?
Generally yes, but the moose likes to bark at thunder incessantly.  I think he truly believes he has the power to make it stop. 

26.  Favorite sports to watch?
College basketball without question

27.  Hair color?
Dark brown

29.  Do you wear contacts?
Sometimes contacts, sometimes glasses.  I'm super near-sighted.   If you think you are blind, I'm guessing I'm still about twice as bad as you.  It's not a competition, just a fact.

30.  Favorite food?
Anything that doesn't have peppers.  T knows the answer to this is sushi if he is ever in a sudden death "how well do you know your wife" trivia contest.  But in reality, it is everything under the sun.  I love cooking and I love food.  My top 3 favorite plates ever were the foie gras at Picasso in Vegas, the honey and cheese plate at La Folie in San Francisco, and the macaroni and cheese at Jethro's BBQ in Des Moines.

31.  Scary movies or happy endings?
Scary movies.  Unless we're talking about the TV show, the Happy Endings.  I hope it gets saved by USA.

32.  Last movie you watched?
Upstream Color.  "A man and a woman are drawn together, entangled in the life of an ageless organism".  I'm pretty sure I loved it, but it was so trippy I would need to watch it again to be certain.

33.  What color shirt are you wearing?
Black and white

34.  Summer or winter?
Summer

35.  Hugs or kisses?
Both at the same time

36.  Favorite dessert?
The Chocolate Bag at McCormick & Schmick's.  (The version with white chocolate mousse.  Not the poor man's version with stupid vanilla ice cream)

37.  What book are you reading now?
A Tale of Two Cities.  It's my favorite and I try to reread it every few years. 

38.  What is on your mouse pad?
Wine corks at home.  (A picture of, not actual corks)

39.  Rolling Stones or Beatles?
T will kill me, but I pick Rolling Stones.

40.  What is the farthest you've been from home?
Probably Frankfurt, Germany

41.  Where were you born?
St. Charles, Missouri

And I'm spent :)  I should probably actually work now.  Stupid work.

Have a great day!

A normal day for me (5w5d)

Here is my standard day for the last several days:

Start to wake up.  Don't feel boobs hurting.  Turn over on stomach and they start to hurt, so then I smile and get up.  Take shower and concentrate really hard to see if I'm nauseous or not.  Usually I'm not.  Morning sickness, schmorning sickness.  Brush teeth and feel a small wave of nausea.  Stand completely still and will it to stick around versus fade away.  It fades away.  Convince self it was all in head.  Burp about 42 times.

Go to work.  Stand completely still again and push on boobs to see if they are sore.  Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.  Spend first hour at work googling applicable day (5w3d, 5w4d, etc) just to see what comes up.  Read that many women have a lull in their symptoms at about 5 1/2 weeks.  Feel better.  Think I have a brief wave of nausea.  Feel better again.  Eat lunch.  No nausea after lunch.  Feel worse.  Want to cry.  Google again.

Drive home.  Am super nauseous and gaggy in car.  Am very suspicious of said nausea and decide it is fake.  Want to cry.  Burp constantly on way home.

Get home.  Lovely husband asks about day and wants to give me hugs.  Push him away and tell him to stop talking to me.  Completely irritable.  Husband laughs and reminds me that irritability and mood swings are a symptom (I love husband that can just laugh at my meanness).  Make dinner.  Boobs hurt.  Smile. 

Go to sleep (usually early).  Do it all again the next day.

This morning I had a bloody nose.  Supposedly that is a symptom.  I think I feel nauseous.  Google 5w5d.  First link is a blog post from a girl describing her normal day.  Steal idea from her. 

I'm obviously a super fun person this week. 

Mother's Day (5w3d)

This Mother's Day is an odd one.  I don't know where I belong.  I am extremely lucky that my husband has always honored my stepmothering on this day (since I'm obviously a super awesome stepmom), so I was never really completely left out in  years past.  But I still felt a kinship with the groups of infertilies that avoided Mother's Day like the plague.  A reminder of a day that was not made for them.  I was never overly bitter; again, I wouldn't even have recognized its ability to alienate people without having gone through this experience.  But it still wasn't my day.

This Mother's Day I did receive some wonderful and thoughtful gifts from T and Cam (including a trip to Minneapolis to see The Postal Service in concert later this summer!).  I received some even more unexpected acknowledgements of my mothery-ness through texts and emails, which was pretty cool.  But I don't feel like I"m legit yet.  I feel that there is still that risk that I lose this child(ren) and next Mother's Day will still seem like a day for the "other" people.  I'm in a no-man's-land right now.

Facebook never helps.  It is amazing how something as innocuous as a Mother's Day holler can invoke such emotion in me.  And the poster obviously is completely oblivious to the fact that her post does this.  And there is no reason she should think otherwise.  But the problem is that I read this:  "Happy mother's day to all you other mommas out there.  Childbirth was painful so have a great day today to celebrate!".

And I see this:  "Happy mother's day to all you other mommas out there.  Childbirth was painful so have a great day today to celebrate!  So obviously this is not a day for you adoptive moms - screw you if you didn't birth your child.  And if you aren't a momma, well, this isn't your day, so it'll probably be a crap one"

Will there ever be a time I don't append well-intentioned comments with my own view of the world?

I was lucky enough to enjoy the mother's day weekend with my own fabulous momma.  It was actually pretty random that my husband happened to buy his sister baseball tickets for this weekend as a present.  So we piled, T, T's sister, my stepdaughter, the dog, and me into my little sedan and drove to Kansas City for the night and stayed with my folks while they hit the game.  Hugs from my mom and dad can turn any day right side up.

All in all, it was a great weekend, and the first week of my two week wait for ultrasound is almost complete. I'm pretty sure this next week will be the longest week ever.

I do have my symptoms to keep me company.  And although I have boatloads of doubts on the viability of this pregnancy, just based on past experience, in reality, my symptoms are definitely more pronounced than the prior pregnancy.

• I took a nap after work pretty much every day last week.  And still barely stayed up past nine at night.  I also take power naps in the bathroom stalls at work.  It's pretty classy.
• My boob ouchiness quotient has pretty much skyrocketed.  Not that it is necessarily unbearable, but it is just so constant at this point.  And the pain feels more deep inside (probably because I'm pretty sure they are getting bigger!)
• I'm fairly constantly nauseous.  It's gone from bouts that were somewhat intense (although no vomiting) to a more constant, less intense seasickness feeling.  It's most noticeable if I haven't eaten or right after I eat an actual meal and stand up.  
• I get up to pee at least 1-2 times during the night.   
• I burp approximately every 32 seconds.
• I can go from huge smiles to body-wracking sobs in about 10 seconds flat.  I think this symptom is T's favorite.

Also, it was about this time this time that I had spotting last go around.  Despite the nurses telling me that was "normal", it was coupled with the loss of my pretty scant symptoms.  I'm fairly sure that is when the embryo just stopped developing.  Therefore, I feel like I've made it further this pregnancy, even though I have no confirmation of that whatsoever.  

One more week.  One more week.  PLEASE let there be a healthy developing baby.

So far so good

Beta #2 came back at 264.  Which worked out to a doubling time of about 41.75 hours.  This is better than the "average" of 48 hours, and definitely in the necessary range of 30-72 hours.  So we will take that and like it.

I feel like the numbers are so much less than others out there.  So many people were in the thousands at this point.  But I'm definitely having symptoms, the numbers fall within acceptable ranges, and most importantly  I can't do anything about it.  So my goal for the next two weeks is to stay calm, cool and collected.  (I may fail miserably at this).

Happy Star Wars Day!

"May" the "Fourth" be with our little Jedis.  We were supposed to have our first beta test tomorrow, but ended up going today instead.  How apropos for our Jedi pregnancy to be confirmed on Star Wars day!

And at least one of them is sticking around so far.  Our hcg level was 119!  I told T before going in that my guess was 120, so I feel like I deserve some sort of prize.  I'll take a baby in about 36 weeks?  That seems fair.

For comparison, our hcg level last time was 274, but was (1) taken one day later and (2) I think this pregnancy "started" about 1-2 days later than last time.  And again, we know how last time turned out.  The doctor's office was very happy with the 119, so we will be too!

We go back on Monday for the second test to ensure the number is rising the way it should.  Assuming that is the case, our ultrasound will be two weeks after that.  And so the more tortuous two week wait almost begins.  I pray every single day for us to hear a heartbeat that day.

10dp5dt or 4w1d pregnant!

I am safely outside of my freak zone now.  Well, maybe not all the way out.  But I'm definitely peeking outside the zone, with firm plans to completely step outside.  Where am I stepping to, you ask?  Well, obviously another freak zone.  But it is a completely different one, so I call that progress.

My test lines have definitely been darker throughout the week.  Not a steady progression like the first time.  More of a stair step approach, with no change for a bit and then bam!  Three shades darker the next day.  So I do feel like I'm safely past the chemical pregnancy concern.  Once we have the beta blood test this weekend, I'll move fully into praying for healthy heartbeats in about 2 1/2 weeks.

(Side note:  isn't that still amazing?  I'm barely pregnant.  And in only 2ish weeks, the heart(s) should be pumping away.  I'm still in awe, and hope that I get to fully experience it this time).

Another positive sign is that my pregnancy symptoms are already stronger than they ever were last time.  I have nausea every day.  The worst was yesterday after dinner.  I had no problems throughout the day, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks after dinner.  I don't actually throw up, but am super gaggy and just generally ill at ease.  It has already  kicked in this morning too, so I think I'll certainly be graduating to full all-day discomfort in the next couple weeks.   I LOVE IT! For now.

I did tell T that I do reserve the right to be miserable sometimes.  I'm not delusional enough to think that everything in pregnancy will be unicorns and rainbows just because I wanted it badly.  I'll still be uncomfortable and icky, and I get to complain about it if I want.  That won't mean I don't want to be pregnant.  It will just mean that I want that particular phase to slightly shorten itself.  Because no one smiles while they are vomiting.  (If you do, you are just plain weird.  Share your secrets with me).