A day of lots of love

Transfer Day!  Link and Zelda survived the thaw and were transferred into their new home around 11:10 this morning.  Here's a picture!

Hee, hee :)  So probably not the picture you were expecting yet.  Don't worry, you'll get to see that too, but this picture makes me smile a lot.  They pull off the tough but cute requirement well, don't you think?  And Link has lots of experience with recovering from Ice Caverns, so his resume is definitely tight.

Overall, it was a very easygoing day.  My new drug cocktail from the allergist works pretty well.  The only problem is that I take it two times per day, and it really seems to last only about 6 hours for total relief.  But I think as I build up in my system it does still help overall.  Last night, I did wake up around 2 or so to get some ice packs, but after that, I didn't wake up again until after 6.  I'll take that every night if that works! 

We had to define a very specific timeline this morning, because I have one antibiotic I had to take that couldn't be taken within an hour of dairy, iron supplements, or antacids.  Well, crap.  I really want a latte, I need to take my multivitamin, and Zantac is part of my allergy protocol now.  So I had to time everything out to the hour, including when I could lay down after taking the same progesterone suppository that caused some laughter during our retrieval almost a year ago.  But all was well, because I wore my lucky socks!  Orange is T's favorite color, so these socks mean business:

 ( I took this picture while sitting on the couch with my pants hiked up, so I think I look like I have weird munchkin legs.  Although maybe that is really just what they do look like?)

So T made me eggs and toast, then we jetted off to a quick acupuncture appointment.  The pre-transfer appointment is the one that is most important if acupuncture is meant to have an impact.  We had a little over an hour after that before go time, so went to a Starbucks to finally get a latte.  I also needed to take a Valium and fill my bladder prior to the transfer as it makes the ultrasound guidance easier.  We were sitting right by the counter, so I grabbed a water bottle from their case, and turned to get in line to buy it after I was almost done with my coffee.  The line was crazy long, so I sat down and planned to finish off my coffee so the line could die down.  Got up again, and the lady in the front that had seen me stand up and sit down told me she just paid for my water!  How sweet is that!  I felt like that was a great sign of the good things to come.  I just love good acts like that in the world, and I'll definitely pay it forward soon.

And this point, I'm about to pass out from the Valium and REALLY have to pee, so off we went to the clinic. 

This was the easy part.  T and I put on our scrubs (I love it that he joins me on this one) and grinned at our reflection in the mirror with our sexy hair nets.  We were set up in the transfer room, told that both survived the thaw and were of great quality.  The blastocyst shrinks down in the freeze (as the water in the cells are removed) and then expands back after it is thawed.  One of our embryos was almost fully expanded again, and the other was a bit behind.  But they hadn't been out of the freezer that long, and they should expand fully after transfer (ideally) and implant (EXTRA ideally).  After the transfer, the doc and nurse left us in the room about 30 minutes to rest.  T and I both said a prayer for the transfer to be successful, and were pretty emotional at this point (there may have been tears from both of us).  I'm so happy we have each other no matter what.

Here are the REAL pictures you'd want to see. 

They aren't quite both in the picture, but it gives you the idea.  The top one is the one close to full expansion, and the bottom still needs a little work.  But they were both actively expanding, so we still feel good about them. 

The nurse gave us this picture of the ultrasound as well.  The dark area to the right is my very full bladder.  The lighter area is my uterus, and the red circled area is our embryos!  How cool is that?!  We are going to have the best start to a baby book ever.

I'm on "bed rest" the rest of today and tomorrow, although I'm probably not being as particular as I was last time.  Bed rest is kind of doctor specific and plenty of people don't do it.  So my plan is to pretty much stay on the couch, but don't worry if I'm inclined a certain way, or laying on my side or whatever.  Any excuse for T to baby me though is welcome :)

And there you have it!  A lot of tears (pretty sure my mom was crying when I called her post-transfer), a lot of love, and a random act of kindness.  Sounds like a pretty nice day to me.  So, mom, you better work on your sweater knitting, because I'm harboring high hopes for these frosties.

Love you all!  Have a great weekend!

I hate progesterone and other musings...

My lovely magic pill (Hydroxyzine) that I've been taking to manage my Autoimmune Progesterone Dermatitis basically stopped working yesterday.  I started my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots (in the ass, yay!) on Sunday, and the pill seemed to be doing just fine on Sunday and Monday.  Then comes last night, when twice the dosage had no effect.  I'm freaking out, as I pretty much slept in 1 hour increments last night so I could get up and replace the ice packs on my feet in those intervals.  I'm not sure this will be feasible to keep up if I do get pregnant.  Plus, I've heard several people say to ensure your feet stay warm during the two week wait, so I'm guessing actually putting ice directly on your feet wasn't what they had in mind.

So I call my allergist this morning, (whom I LOVE - the doctor at least), and get the voicemail.  This works perfectly, as I'm assuming I can leave a message, the doctor will listen, and she'll get back to me with ideas.  My goal is to avoid talking to reception or the nurses, since they have been, well, less than the most intelligent to talk to.  I get that I'm taking them outside their comfort zone, but you would think SOMEONE there would have some common sense other than the doctor.

Unfortunately, the nurse is the one to call me back.  I have to basically repeat the message I already gave, and the conversation goes something like this:

Nurse:  Well, it looks like Dr. M prescribed you Hyrdoxyzine back in September.  I'll have her call in a refill of that for you.
Me:  Well...no. I took that last night.  Twice the dose.  I have a full bottle and some refills.
Nurse:  So you aren't taking it regularly?  The prescription shouldn't have last this long.
Me:  No, I only take it during outbreaks.  On a normal cycle, that's only about 4-5 days during the month.
Nurse:  Oh, okay.  So it just stopped working?
Me: Well, I'm taking the progesterone injections now.  The dosage is so much higher, that I don't think the pills are keeping up.
Nurse:  That's not right.  We didn't prescribe you injections.  Only the pills.  Where are you getting the injections.
Me: (throws receiver at wall.  Not really, but I wanted to)  Again, I'm undergoing fertility treatments.  The progesterone is prescribed by my doctor there.
Nurse:  Well, if it is causing you issues, let the doctor know, and you can stop taking it.  (editorial note:  progesterone is essential to pregnancy.  Not taking it is not an option.  Plus, my body makes its own anyway, just not enough during a suppression cycle)
Me:  I can't stop taking the injections.  I need a treatment that can handle the additional dosage.

Finally, she has me repeat word-for-word what she should tell the doctor (isn't this why I left a voicemail to begin with?).  About 15 minutes later, I get a call back from a MUCH more knowledgeable nurse, who changes up my drugs, and talks intelligently about the whole process, and how they'll need to reevaulate if I do get pregnant, since my drug choices are limited.  She tells me that I'll take the shots through the first trimester if I'm successful (I know this, but I'm so happy she does too!), so I'll just keep working with them.  I wish they'd mark on my file that only certain people are allowed to talk to me.

So....let's hope that this new protocol works and we're smooth sailing the next few weeks - and hopefully many weeks beyond that...

Other random notes:

PIO shots still kind of suck.  My husband almost starts crying every time he has to give them.  And they are pretty inconvenient...the whole process is about 20-30 minutes start-to-finish (for me, at least, but it might be because I'm a weenie and need to ice the area first and use a heating pad after).  It also needs to be around the same time each day (we picked 8pm), so wreaks havoc on any kind of social life.  We're still figuring how we'll work around this, as these shots aren't as transportable to bars/restaurants/shows like my others were.  Although, my biggest discomfort (after the APD) is the raw skin that results after removing my estrogen patches.  I change these every three days, so I'm building up a nice little set of bright red rectangles all over my back.  Yuck.  I really do not think it would be fair whatsoever to go through all this and not even end up pregnant. 

Nearing the "end of the road" sucks.  I'm happy because I'm ready to put this part of my life behind me, but it is very difficult not knowing what the future holds.  I have a friend that reached the end of the road in her fertility "journey" (oh, goodness, it sounds like we're on the Bachelor now), and my heart breaks for her.  I know she reads this, so I want to tell her that I'm also immensely proud of her and think that she is one of the strongest people I know...even though I know she doubts that herself.  Ultimately, her life is going to be amazing in so many ways and I will be there for her in any way she needs me to.  You are quite a rock star, lady.  You know who you are.

Thank you to the lovely people around me "in real life" and on the interwebs that offer continual support.  I know our story gets old after awhile, especially if nothing ever actually happens.  So knowing that you continue to cheer for us warms me all up.  Thank you!

Green light means go!

I had my one ultrasound/check-in with the RE today.  The frozen transfer is a little weird, as there is not much to check.  With a fresh cycle, I'm incubating some eggs, trying to grow at a good rate and to a good size and get them out at exactly the right time.  Now I just need to create a nice hospitable home for some embies to nestle in and stick around. 

So the only thing they really measure is my uterine lining thickness.  My lining has been thickening with the estrogen I've been taking (that's what the patches are for!).  The nurse indicated that they want a lining thicker than 8mm to move forward.  I also read online that 9mm to 12mm is "perfect".  She measured mine at 9.3mm, so we're very happy!

Therefore, our transfer is now set for 1pm on Friday, January 11th.  Our next hurdle is for our frobabies to survive the thaw.  The chances are greater than 90% for that, so I'm certainly hoping that will not be an issue.  Assuming no problems there, I'll be pregnant until proven otherwise by Friday afternoon.

Let's wrap this up!

I threw up in my mouth a little

http://nymag.com/thecut/2012/12/kim-kardashian-and-kanye-west-are-having-a-baby.html

Just when you think you have it all together, this happens.  Let's see...this chick became famous for making a sex tape that she leaked, married somone for ~70 days, and is STILL married to him when she gets knocked up.

I've decided anyone going through infertility should never read celebrity news.  Ever.  (Let's be honest -- I'm never giving that up.  But it's good to threaten it)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!  And while this may sound more "Thanksgiving-like", be sure to take time to express your love and thanks to the people in your life.  I think we've learned recently that it can all change in the blink of an eye, so make sure your love is evident to those around you.

No major updates here.  I had my estrogen levels checked last Friday.  I never heard the results, so laid-back me this round assumes they were a-okay.  Hopefully, my lack of detail obsession will last in the coming weeks!

I start estrogen patches tomorrow.  I can't remember why I use them, so I tried to do some internet research.  Still don't know why I use them :)  I know it is to replace the natural estrogen I would have in my cycle, since it is suppressed...but normally the estrogen is in the first half of the cycle, and I will continue these patches through a positive pregnancy test.  So...shrug?  Wow, even writing this, I'm realizing how much I'm just smooth and easy this cycle.  Must be the acupuncture!

Anyway, have a wonderful holiday with your family and friends!  And a happy new year!

Things I've learned...

I was better at posting at this through the last couple IVFs because there was so much going through my mind.  It was helpful to get it down on paper (screen).  But I'm pretty laid back this round...so far at least.  I've been dutifully taking my pills and tomorrow I start the Lupron shots.  Generally, I'm just go with the flow for now.

So I thought I'd take this time to note some of the things we've learned over the past 1+ year of being infertility patients. 

(1)  Words are words.  If I was talking about my period in the past, I would take care to preface it with a "too much information" and lower my voice like I was telling a secret.  Now I can unabashedly talk about sperm, vaginas, sex, periods, the uterus, or whatever is relevant to the story.  I ensure someone wants to talk about infertility first...but if you opened the discussion, any of the terminology is fair game.

(2) Most people will never get it.  Nor do they need to.  I have not been closely exposed to someone with cancer.  I certainly sympathize with those it affects, but I can't truly empathize, because I simply don't get it.  I don't have the experience.  I don't personally understand the depths of it.  And while I'm not trying to compare infertility with a deadly disease, it is a disease that people don't get until they are neck deep in its shit. 

(3) However, most people who don't get it at least recognize that and don't try to pretend.  I love you for that.  Ask questions, talk to me, even tell me stories of others you know.  But I appreciate that you acknowledge your naviete.  No worries.  I had it too. 

However, there are those few that I will forever begrudge for their lack of self-awareness.  (Don't worry, real-life friends...none of these people were anyone I wanted to be friends with anyway) 

My word of advice:  if you don't have anything semi-intelligent to say, don't say it at all.  I do not want to hear "I know exactly what you are going through.  It took my husband and I THREE WHOLE MONTHS to get pregnant.  It was torture."  Especially while you are rocking your baby in your arms.  Have some common sense.

(4) Related to #3.  We (the infertile peeps) can say things that you fertile folks generally shouldn't.  Both T and I do believe God has a plan, and that helps us find peace with the outcome of our next foray into the assisted baby-making biz.  But we also believe that God's plan is for us to have children at some point.  Or if not, it is not reflective on my parenting abilities.  The comment  "God did not want you to be a mother" is possibly the cruelest thing anyone has said to me.  Even if true, God obviously doesn't play by those rules.  He lets anyone procreate.  I submit Honey Boo Boo's mom, Snooki, and pretty much any of the "Real Housewives" as evidence of this.  Sadly, you think I'm exaggerating, but this has been said to me before.

(5) I am not sad that we are going through this.  How weird is that?  Especially when I'll follow up this blog post with one about breaking down into tears in the elevator.  But it's generally true.  Yes, this is hard.  Yes, it makes both T and me cry.  Yes, it makes our hearts break.  But there is absolutely no doubt or fear at this point of our desire for our child.  We know that we are 100% committed, and that is a pretty fantastic place to be.  I think most couples that get pregnant right away (by choice) still can admit there was some nugget of doubt even if they are ecstatic.  We have none of that now.  We will get annoyed with our children.  There will be times, in the midst of the middle of the night screaming, that we may even laugh that we spent this much money and effort for a child that is literally driving us bonkers.  But we will never ever ever hear either of us say "YOU wanted this, not me" or "I didn't even want to be a parent". 

I am also more self-aware (see #3 again).  I was completely guilty of making stupid comments to others before.  I'm sure of it.  Not that I won't ever be stupid again on some sort of topic, but I am so much more cognizant of thinking before speaking.

(6) We will always be infertile.  Even if this next procedure works, it is not like we can say we're ready for another child and plan to be knocked up a few months later.  We will never feel "normal".  Which is okay, but is a strange realization to make.

(7) And lastly... (well, not really.  I could go on and on, but this needs to stop somewhere)  I am so beyond in love with my husband.  I've never been shy about that, but it bears repeating.    As we've both been divorced, I'm sure it would be hard for some people to believe we really know what we are doing this time.  And I wholeheartedly say yes, we do.  In a way, I feel like we have a stronger legitimacy to our relationship now.  The most common reasons for divorce are lack of communication, money issues, misguided expectations of the marriage, and commitment issues.  This turbulent time has made us face each of these challenges, and we've come out on top and stronger than ever.  He is an amazing father, and will be to our future children.  I have the ultimate faith in him.




 

Finally an update

Yep, I'm still here.

While I was fairly antsy to get this whole process started again, it was really nice to just take a break from drugs and pokes and worry for several weeks.  We were able to concentrate on each other, family, and the furbaby.

But easy time is over, because our frozen cycle is now underway!

I start shots (just the suppression kind this time) on December 12th.  I do, along with some other estrogen patches and pills that I'm taking now, until January 4th.  At that point, they do a lining check to make sure the uterine environment is looking fine and dandy.  If everything looks good, I start my progesterone shots (the ones in the ass -- yay?) and do the transfer on January 11th!  I can't believe how fast that is going to be here!

I'm pretty excited, if you weren't able to pick that up.  Finally, finally, finally, we'll have an end to this path, one way or another.  It'll be almost a year since we weren't able to hold onto Artie and Herkie, so we certainly hope Link and Zelda can fight to the finish.