Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Things I've learned...

I was better at posting at this through the last couple IVFs because there was so much going through my mind.  It was helpful to get it down on paper (screen).  But I'm pretty laid back this round...so far at least.  I've been dutifully taking my pills and tomorrow I start the Lupron shots.  Generally, I'm just go with the flow for now.

So I thought I'd take this time to note some of the things we've learned over the past 1+ year of being infertility patients. 

(1)  Words are words.  If I was talking about my period in the past, I would take care to preface it with a "too much information" and lower my voice like I was telling a secret.  Now I can unabashedly talk about sperm, vaginas, sex, periods, the uterus, or whatever is relevant to the story.  I ensure someone wants to talk about infertility first...but if you opened the discussion, any of the terminology is fair game.

(2) Most people will never get it.  Nor do they need to.  I have not been closely exposed to someone with cancer.  I certainly sympathize with those it affects, but I can't truly empathize, because I simply don't get it.  I don't have the experience.  I don't personally understand the depths of it.  And while I'm not trying to compare infertility with a deadly disease, it is a disease that people don't get until they are neck deep in its shit. 

(3) However, most people who don't get it at least recognize that and don't try to pretend.  I love you for that.  Ask questions, talk to me, even tell me stories of others you know.  But I appreciate that you acknowledge your naviete.  No worries.  I had it too. 

However, there are those few that I will forever begrudge for their lack of self-awareness.  (Don't worry, real-life friends...none of these people were anyone I wanted to be friends with anyway) 

My word of advice:  if you don't have anything semi-intelligent to say, don't say it at all.  I do not want to hear "I know exactly what you are going through.  It took my husband and I THREE WHOLE MONTHS to get pregnant.  It was torture."  Especially while you are rocking your baby in your arms.  Have some common sense.

(4) Related to #3.  We (the infertile peeps) can say things that you fertile folks generally shouldn't.  Both T and I do believe God has a plan, and that helps us find peace with the outcome of our next foray into the assisted baby-making biz.  But we also believe that God's plan is for us to have children at some point.  Or if not, it is not reflective on my parenting abilities.  The comment  "God did not want you to be a mother" is possibly the cruelest thing anyone has said to me.  Even if true, God obviously doesn't play by those rules.  He lets anyone procreate.  I submit Honey Boo Boo's mom, Snooki, and pretty much any of the "Real Housewives" as evidence of this.  Sadly, you think I'm exaggerating, but this has been said to me before.

(5) I am not sad that we are going through this.  How weird is that?  Especially when I'll follow up this blog post with one about breaking down into tears in the elevator.  But it's generally true.  Yes, this is hard.  Yes, it makes both T and me cry.  Yes, it makes our hearts break.  But there is absolutely no doubt or fear at this point of our desire for our child.  We know that we are 100% committed, and that is a pretty fantastic place to be.  I think most couples that get pregnant right away (by choice) still can admit there was some nugget of doubt even if they are ecstatic.  We have none of that now.  We will get annoyed with our children.  There will be times, in the midst of the middle of the night screaming, that we may even laugh that we spent this much money and effort for a child that is literally driving us bonkers.  But we will never ever ever hear either of us say "YOU wanted this, not me" or "I didn't even want to be a parent". 

I am also more self-aware (see #3 again).  I was completely guilty of making stupid comments to others before.  I'm sure of it.  Not that I won't ever be stupid again on some sort of topic, but I am so much more cognizant of thinking before speaking.

(6) We will always be infertile.  Even if this next procedure works, it is not like we can say we're ready for another child and plan to be knocked up a few months later.  We will never feel "normal".  Which is okay, but is a strange realization to make.

(7) And lastly... (well, not really.  I could go on and on, but this needs to stop somewhere)  I am so beyond in love with my husband.  I've never been shy about that, but it bears repeating.    As we've both been divorced, I'm sure it would be hard for some people to believe we really know what we are doing this time.  And I wholeheartedly say yes, we do.  In a way, I feel like we have a stronger legitimacy to our relationship now.  The most common reasons for divorce are lack of communication, money issues, misguided expectations of the marriage, and commitment issues.  This turbulent time has made us face each of these challenges, and we've come out on top and stronger than ever.  He is an amazing father, and will be to our future children.  I have the ultimate faith in him.


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