Endings are just new beginnings

Even though they sometimes overlap.

Ending:  The miscarriage.  Finally.  (I think, I hope!).  I went back this week for another hcg/beta test, and the level was 139.  After 136 and 131 last week.  Totally awesome.  I was just shaking my head in complete amazement that we can't seem to do anything normally.  The nurse say due to this and my obvious elevated progesterone that it must be a new pregnancy.  Although obviously not a viable one.  Fan-freaking-tastic, I say.

The doctor asks me to come in for an ultrasound, and was able to squeeze me in earlier today.  Luckily, T and I working a block away from each other came in handy, and he met me at my building to walk over to the downtown office of my ob/gyn.  Double luckily, it was pretty dead around the office as well, and I wasn't missing much by taking off for an hour or two.  The ultrasound didn't find anything in the uterus, but also not in the tubes or other possible "pregnancy of an unknown location" kind of place. 

The doctor did indicate he thought that the hcg levels could fluctuate pretty heavily up and down if I have tissue still in my uterus.  So while they have been static over the last week, the level could have dipped down enough a few weeks ago to allow me to ovulate, but increased again on its own.  Meaning, this very well could be leftover tissue from the previous miscarriage.  His options were (1) to schedule a d&c at the surgery center, requiring both T and I to take a full day off of work.  Vacation days are like pure gold when you are planning to adopt, so this wasn't ideal.  (2) take a methotrexate shot, which could clear up the pregnancy or tissue no matter where it resided.  I've heard this is pretty awful, makes you feel like crap for days, and often doesn't really do the job.  (3) His third option was a "mini d&c" in the office.  He said it should be a little worse than the endometrial biopsies I've had previously, but could ideally allow him to carve out any remaining tissue in my uterus without needing actual surgery.  He could do it right then in the office.

T and I elected for the third option, hoping that the doctor found something, so we could definitively put this portion of our lives behind us.  I told T he could leave, as I knew he had a lot to do at work and I've totally done my endometrial biopsies on my own.  THANK GOD he decided to stay, because this was probably the most painful "quick procedure" I've done in my life.  I was bawling throughout, gripping T's hand to try to concentrate on something other than the pain.  I think we figured out that I can't handle childbirth anyway. 

T was able to see the tissue that the doctor found, which was about the size of a quarter.  The doctor also said that it was already starting to calcify, which means it is very likely the residual miscarriage tissue.  They send it off to a lab to test to ensure it is placental tissue, and ideally we are DONE and can go on with our lives.

Beginning:  The adoption process continues!  We should have our absolutely finalized, notarized, blood-signed (not really, but that would be cool!) home study hand-delivered to us on Monday.  We are wrapping up the preparation of our profile, both print and video.  I'll devote a whole post to that process later.  And then....we wait.  I'll admit.  I'm actually looking forward to waiting.  And breathing.  And being normal, even if it is for a very short period of time.  God bless normalcy.