Sunday, September 30, 2012

War and Peace

My mind is constantly at war with itself in these last few weeks leading up to the IVF.  Some days I'm so amazingly optimistic that it will work, as I consider all the changes we are making leading up to it.  Some days I'm more pessimistic (I prefer to label it as realistic), and know that most people out there have had at least some form of pregnancy by this point, even if it didn't result in a "take home" baby.  Ultimately, we'll just have to wait and see, but I think this wait has been more tortuous than any past ones.

But that comes to the peace part.  I'll ultimately be okay with the outcome, no matter what it is.  Not right away.  If we find out it is another negative, we will probably both be broken on the floor bawling.  I will need several weeks of therapy (although note I said weeks, not months, not years) to truly grieve for our loss.  Because we know we can make life.  We made Artie and Herkie and I think about them all the time in all of their perfectness.  But if my body just isn't made to carry that life, it is what it is.  I do believe there is a plan for everyone.  Not that you just sit back and the plan plays, you do still need to try and make decisions and put effort into your life.  But when you simply have done everything you can do, that is the point you put it back in God's hands.  And if this doesn't work, it does not mean our journey is over.  It just means we are at a fork in the road and choosing another path.  And I am very much at peace with that. 

That being said, it seems everyone around me is getting pregnant.  I'm now up to 7 announcements just in the last couple weeks.  For those of you that may read this blog, please know that I'm honestly ecstatic for you.  I'm so happy that you have been blessed in this way, whether it is your first or second or third (or second and third at once!).  But also know that it is hard for me, and if I avoid you for awhile, it is not personal at all.  It is just helping me work towards that peace that I know is around the corner. 

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