WTF Appointment

I am still amazed that it has only been a week and a day since we confirmed we were unsuccessful.  I honestly feel that a year has passed during that time.  I am truly physically exhausted from the marathon conversations T and I have had trying to decide what to do from here.

We were so sure last week that we would try IVF again.  We then were convinced we would go to Brno, Czech Republic to do it.  We then knew that we were done with all the medical bullshit and were definitely ready for adoption.  We were adopting from Russia.  Then we were adopting from Bolivia.  Then we were adopting a newborn domestically.

And generally, while we were both changing our minds at a breakneck pace, we were never on the same page.  On Monday, I wanted to adopt and T wanted IVF.  Then on Tuesday, T breathes in deep and said he has decided he really thinks adoption is the way to go...right when I tell him I want to try IVF again.  Huge sigh.  We made a list of all the things we have ever wanted from this.  A biological child.  An adopted child.  A healthy child.  An infant.  A toddler.  To be pregnant.  To not be drugged up.  So on and so forth.  Essentially a list of every "want" that has ever occurred, even if they conflicted with  each other.  We then prioritized our "wants" separately and shared lists.  We were still all over the place, and no magical answer presented itself.  The stress on my brain has been so tiring.

We were in the midst of this blur of choices when we had our WTF appointment today.  I truly was expecting to sit across from the doctor in his office, while he threw his hands up in the air and claimed it should have worked and we just needed to be patient and try again.  To which I planned to tell him where he could shove it and stomp out of the office.

Although that is essentially what he told us, it was certainly more detailed and sincere than I was expecting.  It was actually my favorite experience with the doctor thus far.   He walked through every step of the process with us again and talked about what they learned and what occurred:

• I am a low egg producer.  I had a decent amount of follicles in the "pre-testing", but I didn't grow a bunch of new follicles during the stimulation stage.  However, as shown in the embryos we made, I am a high quality producer.  Ultimately, quality is more important, and while I could potentially get more eggs with a second try, I need to concentrate on the quality aspect.
• My uterus lining is perfect.  No endometriosis, no blockages, nothing.  It is a perfect home for some embryos that want to hang out.  I have had all hosts of tests done, and there is no reason why I can't house some babies in my belly.
• Our embryos were perfect.  We walked through all the ratings again, and he reminded me that we had not one, but two, 4AA late-stage blastocysts.  There is essentially no better.  With my lack of issues internally, there is a 60% change of implantation of a 4AA embryo.  With two embryos, the chance that one implants is close to 80%.  My heart broke into a million pieces in hearing this.  My doctor reiterated:  we just were in the 20%.  The unlikely outcome, relative to the other outcome, but obviously happens to someone.
• My drug protocol probably won't change with a second try, but my doctor wanted to run my case by some colleagues across the country to get some different opinions.   He would plan ahead and get me some progesterone in olive oil, so I can avoid allergies, but get the benefits of shots. 
• The new thing he would do this cycle is an endometrial biopsy.  Basically, he would go in and "disrupt" part of my uterus prior to the cycle.  It would heal before the actual IVF, but ideally disruption would promote a stream of white blood cells and proteins to my uterus, which could help with implantation.  It would also create a nice little fissure for the little embies to rest.  Apparently, the benefits are still somewhat controversial in the medical field.  However, it shouldn't hurt our chances, so it would either be ineffective or help us.  I'll take it!

 At this point, I can tell T is swayed.  I wasn't quite there yet, but the suggestion of being thisclose to success is truly overpowering.

After T gets lectured about his perfect trifecta of sperm killing (drinking, caffeine and cycling), he and the doc decide T would give some different samples throughout the cycle.  They can freeze a good one, so he is not as stressed providing the goods on the big day.

So after a stop at a wine bar and another marathon conversation, we made the final decision that we will try this ONE more time.  If the results are the same, we are done with this option.  If we do get pregnant and are still ultimately unsuccessful (e.g. a miscarriage or similar), then we will have to consider options at that time.

In the meantime, I'm doing all the legwork I can, without actually committing/spending money, on adoption.  That is my solace.  I need action, plans, and alternatives.  If this doesn't work again, then we can hit the ground running, as the adoption process is not short nor easy.

So anyway, that is that.  Thanks for sticking with us through this craziness.  The schedule/timing means I'd probably be doing retrieval/transfer sometime in mid-May.  Here we go again.