We can only look forward

(Warning, this is another long one.  For the tl;dr folks:  we suck at making babies and are back to IVF.  Itchy feet should stay at bay.)

Great News
My visit to the allergist this morning was fabulous.  At first, I was a little unnerved by the nurse and her lack of ability to understand my concerns.  It took her about 6 tries to spell progesterone.  Then, she kept asking me when my last shot was.  "February -- I'm not allergic to the shots.  I think the shots triggered the allergy".  "So, where does the progesterone come from"  "My body"  "Because you are taking shots?"  "No, bodies produce progesterone normally.  Forget the shots." "So the shots, then?"  AARGH!!!  Enter the phenomenal doctor to save the day.  Not only has she heard of APD before, she has treated it and had successful pregnancies.  Yippee!!!  I am on daily Zyrtec and a prescription steroidal cream now (only for breakouts for the cream).  We'll see if that gets me through a natural cycle without concern.  If so, then we'll adjust the dosage as necessary for the IVF cycle.  If not, we'll experiment some more.  Her goal is to let me survive the square-in-the-ass progesterone shots for IVF.  If I can survive those, I can definitely survive pregnancy.  (So let's work on that pregnancy part!!!)  Which leads to...

Good News
We are on course for IVF #2 (aka IUI #4 = big fat bust).  I have to take off this next cycle (through mid-September) to get all the Clomid out of my system.  We meet next Wednesday with the doc to discuss the protocol for the upcoming cycle.  Ideally, it is not exactly like the last one, because it would make me fall into the four days annually that the doctors are not available due to a conference in San Diego.  Of course.  But since it seems I was oversupressed last cycle, I imagine there will be a shortening of my suppression period which will help me avoid the no doctor time.   More to come there.  Bring on the shots!!

I am also taking on acupuncture for this round.  I had my consultation a few weeks ago, and have my first "official" session this week.  This was recommended by my RE and my allergist, so I'm raring to go.  The goal is to get me nice healthy eggs and good implantation.  Ideally, we have some frozen embryos (official terminology:  snobabies) this time around.  I've heard that people have better luck with frozen transfers, as you have less drugs in your system.  Fingers crossed!!

Although, now I have on a regular schedule:  a reproductive endocrinologist, an allergist, an acupuncturist, and a therapist.  All for my body/our infertility issues.  I literally have to take PTO for almost a full day this upcoming week to see 3 out of the 4.  If this thing doesn't work, I've at least made a new set of friends.  I'll have to host a happy hour when this is all said and done.  Which leads to...

Meh News
This IVF will probably be the end of the line for us. If we are lucky enough to have snobabies, we will certainly leave no man (or baby) behind.  But if we have essentially the same result of last time, meaning a BFN and no more chances without a new cycle, then we will likely be hanging up our hats.

I have my books on adoption to prepare for that step.  I am generally okay with adoption.  I have no concerns with loving an adopted child like my own.   I will love that boy or girl more fiercely than some love their biological children.  That child will never lack for complete devotion.

I just can't shake the guilt aspect.  Again, I'm putting off a full post for another day, but I only feel guilt when I think about adoption.  In my head, I very feasibly could have placed a child for adoption if I had been pregnant in high school/early college.  I can't say that for certainty, since it didn't occur, but is very possible.  While I'm pro-choice, I don't think abortion would have ever been an option for me.  So adoption would have easily been at the top of the list, given I wasn't sure if I wanted children EVER until about mid-college.

But now...my heart breaks every day that I don't have a son or daughter with T.  The pain that it brings to me, to T, is simply unbearable at times.  If I knew I had a child out there, I'm not sure I could survive that pain.  I DON'T KNOW THAT I CAN DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE.  Silly, I know.  If I don't adopt the child, someone else will.  It's not like my non-participation in the adoption world changes that.  But I am not able to currently separate that in my head, and it makes adoption a very uncomfortable place to be right now.

So that's that for now...treatment for my APD (the allergy), IVF#2 in Sep/Oct, and then a big & black unknown for us.  Thank goodness my teetotaler time hasn't kicked in yet.  This girl needs a big glass of wine.