Wednesday, December 14, 2011

How did we get here?

The funny thing is that I always assumed I'd have problems procreating.  During the times I was actively preventing pregnancy, deep down I would think any of the methods didn't matter.  I would not be getting pregnant anyway.  As I got closer to the point of really actively trying, I then found myself hoping that my prior pessimism was enough to override reality.  Basically, because I assumed that I'd have issues, I'd be "surprised" by how easy it really was.

No such luck.

Although, ironically enough (sidebar:  I always struggle with the appropriate time to call something ironic - it certainly isn't rain on your wedding day.  But I think this counts), it was not ME who gave rise to our current situation.  After all sorts of pokes and prodding, the doctors confirmed that I have no fertility issues.  But it does take two to tango, so unfortunately that "all clear" on my account would not be enough.

To be clear, I married my husband knowing some baggage he was bringing to the relationship.  I love him for him, not to be a vessel for the male factor in babymaking.  I knew it was not going to be a painless experience, and that somewhat helps ease the pain I have today.

Without all the gory details, my husband got a vasectomy in his prior marriage.  He and his then-wife felt that best represented their relationship - a life without the responsibilities, issues, and headaches that children can bring.  Therefore, what better thing to do than a little snip snip?  It is an interesting course of action in your twenties.  I'll never be inside his head enough to fully understand that decision.  Surprisingly enough, it was very early in our relationship that he said he DID want kids.  It took me awhile to believe him; after all, this is a guy who took the decision away from God and in his own hands.  But once I realized this was something we were both committed to fully, it was time to give the possibility of a biological child a chance again.

So he got the reversal about 4 months before we were married.  Part of me again thought the hard part was over --- maybe we'd even end up with a shotgun wedding and I'd be giggling inside knowing that I technically did things out of order.

No such luck.

So here we are.  Staring down the beginning of 2012 and our first cycle of IVF/ICSI.  The reversal itself worked, so it can be considered a success.  But his count, among other things, just isn't enough to get to that egg.  Blame drinking, caffeine, a nasty smoking habit from his twenties.  Blame nature and age.  Blame anything, but facts are facts.  His daughter, now eleven, could have been the happiest of accidents at the time of her birth (and we're certainly happy to have her!). 

So here we are.  I can honestly say I have never been so scared and overwhelmed in my life.  All angles -- is this messing with nature and God's intent?  Can my body even handle it?  Can my mind handle it?  Can our relationship  handle it?  Should we consider adoption first? (that is a whole separate blog post that needs to occur).

I "knew" what to expect by reading blogs and hearing others' experiences, but nothing in the world prepared me for our class in which they laid out the drug protocol.  Where they stressed the time commitment.  When they essentially f'd with my mind in a way that was unfathomable.  This is a ridiculous amount of lemons for anyone to have to be handed.  It is unfortunate that I am not unique by any means, and women are needing this in droves.

So here we are.  In the words that a dear friend of mine has in every other Facebook status (and I love her the more for it) --- let's do this.

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