Hope

Hello there, blogland!  February is dreary, awful, depressing, and cold in these parts.  We get one hopeful day of 50 degree weather, and then all thoughts of moving into spring are dashed with sub-zero temps.  I would be very happy to just wipe this month off the calendar.

Totally random item - I realized signing my blogs as "CAM" (my initials) is confusing as my stepdaughter is actually named Cam.  So here on and henceforth, I'll be signing as Sweet C, which husband and said stepdaughter call me regularly.  I know that was a big announcement.  I'll give you a moment to adjust.  Are you still here?  Good.

We are 8 weeks away from H's due date.  It will be an eternity and the blink of an eye all at once.  We consider ourselves very ready, but I know, in reality, we will be woefully unprepared come that day.  How do you prepare for the birth of a child that you have not been able to know over the course of nine months?  Will our connection be instantaneous?  Magic, even?  Or will I be uncertain and apprehensive?  I'm kind of guessing the latter, so ideally I'm not going in with unreasonable expectations.  I know it may take some time to bond.  To recognize this girl as our daughter.  I just hope it doesn't take long.

Some minor gasps of anxiety over the last few weeks:

My car got an ouchy.  A really major one really.  The initial estimate was about $11k worth of damage to a car we think is worth about $18k.  So I'm driving a craptastic rental in the middle of winter with no climate control or heated seats.  Yes, I'm spoiled.  But I worked hard for my climate control and heated seats, and I miss them VERY MUCH during this awful Iowa February.  If anyone has gone through this, I'd love to hear your thoughts.  My insurance company wants to fix the car, because they say damages are less than 80% of value.  They are also pegging value at $22.5k in that case, which is not supported by anything I see (goodness knows they wouldn't use that value if they totaled the car and paid me cash).  But Iowa says it issues a salvage title if you have more than 50% of damage to the car.  And apparently that title would essentially mean you should deduct about 20-30% off the blue book prices when going to resell.  Does that seem right?  I asked my claims adjuster and she said she didn't know (um - isn't that your job to know these things??).  I'm really perturbed that I pay for comprehensive insurance to get a car back worth 70% of it's pre-accident value.  Any thoughts would be welcome!

We went through a stage where H took over a week to email us back (twice in a row).  This normally would be fine, but we had been emailing much more regularly before that.  I had a complete nervous breakdown during this time, and would go into the bathroom stall at work and cry.  It, of course, was all for naught, as she has this thing called a life.  Who knew?  She had some minor oral surgery, crazy things happening with the kids she is parenting, etc etc.  All is well - or as well as it can be - and I had to come to terms with the fact that I can't worry about such things.  After all, nothing is in my control.

In an email this morning, she even told us to watch our mail, as she is sending Cam something.  Her words "I know that bringing in and preparing for a new baby can be overwhelming for everyone, and once the baby is there it's easy to feel like you've lost some of the attention.  So this is just a little something to let her know we are thinking of her."  I mean, seriously?  I had so much happiness reading that, it made my heart hurt. This woman who is going through a painful period on her own is taking time to think of our child? How incredibly lovely is that?  I really hope that Cam, in her teenage glory, can appreciate what an awesome gesture this is. 

Right now, I am completely filled with hope.  I do have to detach a little - hold back something in case of disappointment in a couple months.  But every day of knowing H brings me more hope for all of us - that this placement is indeed the best decision for all those involved, even though grief and loss compete with happiness for the strongest emotion.  But, I just feel so lucky.  I never thought I'd say that after all we've been through.  This match period has been by far the most stressful, insecure, and difficult period I've experienced (and we've had a lot of those!).  But take away all the emotions that would be felt by anyone going through this, and we are beyond blessed.  Our relationship with H is incredible, we have met P (the father) as well, we have time to prepare, and ways to cope.  It's a pretty splendid place to be, all things considered.

T and I are going to go to an awesome happy hour after work today ($1 oysters and $5 champagne, you know that's right).  And then a cooking class afterwards - to learn how to make some different pasta sauces.  I cherish our random date nights now, knowing they won't happen as much in the future.  Only 7 more Tuesdays at the most until we aren't in Iowa anymore...