It's always something!

I almost had to go to the ER last night.  For anyone who knows me and my husband, that probably elicits more laughter than fear.  Between the two of us, we seriously go to the ER 1 or 2 times a year.  My stepdaughter has not been since I've known her (more than 4 years now).  But yet, T and I are intimately familiar with the nice new hospital near us on the west side of town.

Somehow I rammed my foot into T's foot while at a music festival last night.  At first, I just spewed out some expletives since it just hurt a lot - like stubbing a toe.  Then I made the mistake of looking down.  My big toe's toenail was flipped backward and blood was gushing out of my toe and pooling up on the ground and my sandal.  Awesome.  We found the first aid tent and they wrapped me up all nice (while the tech's girlfriend ran away screaming -- I'm serious).  They said if it still hurt, I should go to the ER because they couldn't tell if there were lacerations and I may need stitches.  It did hurt this morning, but I decided to just go to the walk-in clinic instead.  All's good and the ER was avoided, but I apparently won't have a big toenail for 6 months to 1 year.  And I had to get a tetanus shot, so now I have a super cute bandaid with butterflies on my left arm.  I'm guessing the hipsters at the music festival tonight will find it ironic, and I'll start some major trend.

Hopefully we'll be able to tell our kid someday that he/she was conceived on that crazy weekend where I almost lost my toe!  Since this was our first month on Clomid, we went in on Friday for an ultrasound to check out the progress.   Friday was cycle day 13.  Per my instructions, the ultrasound should technically be on CD14, but they won't schedule them on weekends.  However, when we got there, the nurse said that really they should be on CD15.  So she was concerned that the ultrasound would be too early.  Since we are paying out of pocket (an ultrasound is ~$300), she wanted us to consider coming back on Monday.  I normally ovulate on CD15 (Sunday this time), but wasn't sure how the Clomid would change things.  We hemmed and hawed and then said it's only money and went ahead with the Friday ultrasound.

The nurse immediately said we made the right choice, as there was no way we'd last until Monday.  They are looking for follicles on both ovaries to see how many eggs we could potentially have.  A follicle is considered mature around a size of 20mm and grows about 1-2mm a day.  We were hoping for two follicles -- or at least one REALLY good one that was maybe "better" than my prior natural cycles".

I had THREE follicles > 20 mm (one 25mm, one 22mm, and then one right at 20mm).  I also had one at 14mm that could feasibly have an egg, but would likely not.  So she called them 3.5 follicles.  She was shocked they only retrieved six eggs during my IVF while I was on the grandaddy of meds versus these 3.5 follicles on Clomid.  I think this definitely shows if we need to do IVF again, they will be changing my drug protocol, because I can definitely react to something!

T and I had originally said that we'd go forward with the IUI with three follicles, but not with four.  The 3.5 of course put us in the gray zone.  After some chatting with the nurse, she reminded us that the follicles may not all have eggs, and of course even if they do, all eggs may not fertilize.  We took a deep sigh and decided to go for it.

I had not seen a "smiley face" on my ovulation predictor yet, so she wanted to go ahead and schedule the IUI for Saturday morning since we were obviously ready to burst.  She was afraid we somehow missed the LH surge that gives you the smiley face.  We were supposed to wake up Saturday morning and test again -- if it was negative, we'd come in for the insemination on Saturday.  If we did get the smiley face, then we'll know it's working correctly and reschedule to Sunday (day after the surge).  We indeed got the smiley this morning, so Sunday morning (CD15 - right on schedule), I'll go in and give this whole crazy thing a try again.

We do always manage to get excited on cycles where "something" is different - whether a better sperm count or more follicles in this case.  So fingers crossed that this results in something fun (and ideally not quadruple the fun!). 

another reset

Before T and I were even engaged and well before the vasectomy reversal, a person asked me about our intention to have children.  Very cheerfully, I said, “He’s getting a vas reversal.  If it doesn’t work, we’ll adopt.”  It was an easy answer in my head.  To me, it was a very simple dichotomous outcome.  Sperm = biological babies.  No sperm = adopted babies.  No in between.

The vas reversal worked.  We had swimmers.  I was not prepared for the “but…” that needed to append itself to that statement.  I was not prepared for the gray decisions, the heartache, and the now 20 failed cycles.  I am tired.  We are tired.  Every cycle, decisions need to be made.  Do we keep moving forward with this assisted reproduction?  Do we move on to adoption?  Do we stop driving ourselves bat shit crazy and just move to an island somewhere and open a sno-cone stand? 

T is definitely not ready for adoption.  I am also not ready, but certainly to a lesser extent.  Adoption starts involving people beyond yourselves, and I'm not sure we are in a good enough place for that yet.  I just don’t know how many of these cycles I have left in me.  But so far, it always seems that I have at least one more. 

I’m a numbers person, so I just sit on my phone and calculate probabilities with my calculator.  If we have an 80% success rate with IVF and two 4AA blastocysts, then we have a 99% chance of it working in three tries.  If we have a 10% chance with IUI, then we have a 35% chance of working in four tries.  If we do two IVFs and four IUIs, then we have a 97% chance of it working.  I try every combination of possibilities to give me comfort.  I love math. 

If it come down to just the numbers, the decisions are easy.  But of course, it can’t be that simple.   We are people, not numbers.  We don’t necessarily match the general population.  And I’m still worried that the unknown issues with me in my head give us a dangerously low chance of success no matter how many times we try.

Anyway, the question arises of when are going to stop with IVF/IUI and move on to something else.  And the answer is, we simply don’t know.  We’re down now, but not out.  We’re trying IUI again this cycle, but adding Clomid to the mix.  The Clomid should make me ovulate more than one egg (hopefully no more than two), thereby giving T’s swimmers more targets to hit.  I am a little leery of this, as I’d prefer multiple eggs to be in a controlled environment with IVF.  But, we’ll have ultrasounds to monitor and we can always pull the plug if it looks to be too much.

When I started this blog, I specifically said it was not an infertility blog.  I figured we’d nip that part in the bud pretty early and I could move on to bigger and better things.  So I’m sorry that this blog is beginning to sound like a broken record.  But, for better or worse, this is our life.  It exists in two-week increments, waiting for a procedure/ovulation and then waiting for the results.  Rinse and repeat.  At some point, we’ll say enough, but not quite yet.  I’ll still provide our fears with adoption another day and why we’re not ready.  But suffice it to say, just like when we started these decisions, it is a decision we make every time, every cycle.

“The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long.”

Here we go again on our own...

...as in without the lovely crazy drugs in my system.  We got our nice smiley face today, which puts us in the doctor's office tomorrow morning.  And luckily, T gets to be there this time.  We're pretty pumped it worked out to be tomorrow versus Monday morning.  Just a lot more relaxing to come home afterwards rather than trying to rush into work.

Thanks for all the heartfelt encouragement we have received, both recently and in the past.  I know you just think it is a simple text/email/card or whatnot, but I honestly go back and read them when I'm feeling blue.  And it makes my day each time.  I know I sound like a broken record sometimes, but holy bananas I am a lucky gal.

Speaking of bananas, it is a crazy small world - a coworker told me one of her FB friends posted something about doctor's visits and infertility.  My coworker was nice and messaged the friend to get some more details on my behalf...after showing the messages to me, we figure out her friend is one of my neighbors.  So we can meet up at neighborhood street parties and discuss construction noise, who doesn't mow their yard enough, and embryo transfers.  Go figure.  It does show that you never know what is going on behind closed doors.  They weren't necessarily secret about their struggles (similar to T and me), but obviously not something you talk about when you're just waving hello in the morning.

I've been asked by some well-meaning folks (who don't know our issues) when T and I are planning to have kids, now that we've been married over a year and are in our 30s.  "Planning".  Such an odd word to us now.  I'm totally stealing this response from a blog I read:  "They're on backorder.  I totally ordered them, like, forever ago.  I think they keep losing our order."  The nice thing is...things on backorder normally arrive eventually... :)

Negative, Ghost Rider

Last night ended one of the most difficult, ambiguous weeks through this entire "journey".  Not the ending I wanted, but at least it ended.

As we said previously, T and I did not go into this round with high hopes.  We knew we were working against the odds.  We should have sailed right through these two weeks, and just shrugged our shoulders when it didn't work.

Except, I started getting almost every pregnancy symptom in the book last week.  Some of the basics, and even some of the more strange ones.  I have been through 20 cycles of trying to conceive.  I know what an unsuccessful cycle feels like.  And this did not feel like an unsuccessful cycle whatsoever.  I emailed my symptoms around implantation to the nurse and she thought it sounded extremely positive and was excited for me.  I took quizzes online that said that I was very likely pregnant, and to keep testing.  My charting app gave me 75 points out of 100 in my "pregnancy monitor" based on my temperatures (your temperatures follow a certain pattern throughout cycles and pregnancy), symptoms, etc.  I have never gotten above ~30 points before. 

So what did T and I do?  Exactly what you should not do when you are at this point.  We got hopeful.  We even tilted into all-out confidence. He bought champagne for that first positive pregnancy test (which really was just for him, but the man knows how to celebrate).  T discussed his concern that the baby would be due on February 4th, 2013 - a day after the Super Bowl.  He was genuinely trying to figure out if he would record the Super Bowl and watch later, or hope that we went early and would be back home by then?  We ignored the fact that I kept getting negative results on pregnancy tests, and told ourselves that some people just don't get them right away.  Even 30 minutes before our dreams were dashed last night, we were looking at cribs and crib bedding on different websites, and discussing how much we loved safari themes for little boys. 

I'm still not sure what happened this past week. It certainly was not normal.  It hurt us emotionally.  I have never seen my husband cry as much as he did last night (I noted the cracking in his voice sounded suspiciously like the time he called me when his favorite character on Dr. Who didn't survive.  I stand by my conclusion that he cried like a baby then, too).    Strangely, this cycle was even worse than our failed IVF.  That damn confidence gets you every time.

But we'll try again, because that's what we do.  We also turn a celebratory bottle of champagne into glorious mimosas during a Memorial Day breakfast at home.  We hug and we kiss and we move on.  I've said this before, and I'll say it every month --- I could not do this without T.  He claims I wouldn't have to do it if I wasn't with him.  Which may be true (although is not a proven fact), but I certainly wouldn't be happier in that instance.  *warning: mushiness ahead:  He is my rock and my best friend and I will do any of this, as long as we are doing it together.  *end mushiness :)

Two Week Wait

Any person ever trying to get pregnant has been subject to the two week wait -- whether trying for 1 cycle or for 22 cycles.  The two week wait sucks - you over-analyze every minute of your day.  Was that a twinge in my right side?  Am I extra tired?  Are smells really becoming more noticeable?

Anyway, fortunately or unfortunately, I found this website:  http://twoweekwait.com/early-pregnancy-symptoms.  Basically, a bunch of women who got a BFP (positive pregnancy test) kept track of their pregnancy symptoms from the time of ovulation to when they got a positive pregnancy test.  Some are really useful in setting some sort of expectation for your own experiences.

And some are, well, not useful.  For your entertainment, snippets of the crazy that some women think while trying to get pregnant (fyi:  DPO = days past ovulation; PO = post ovulation):

-So I'm just going to tell you how I KNEW I WAS PREGNANT BEFORE MY MISSED PERIOD...I cried during a horror film.


-5/9 Tues- Day 2 PO - felt warm again and very full.. bloated all day burping with a knot in my throat (thought maybe it was from the broccoli I ate)

-7DPO-few light headaches throughout the day, fatigue, irritable, couldn't sleep, weird vivid dream, DH is getting acne on his face (he NEVER has acne on his face) CAM edit - how does your husband's body predict your pregnancy?!?!

-10 DPO: nothing new, jaw pain feels like a sinus infection, husband commented that I am happier than normal

-7 DPO - pimply, tired, dumb, and everything smells weird.

-5 DPO - I cried because my fiancé wouldn't go to Wal-Mart with me

-8-DPO came home early and my husband was asleep at like 2pm (weird because he NEVER takes
naps, ever and he was feeling kinda queasy) 

-11 DPO Woke up to a huge leg cramp in the middle of the morning.

-12dpo- same cramps, tired, food taste off, Took 1 bite of my dinner and tossed it out and had some
Cheetos instead lol


for whatever reason, this one is my favorite...
-8. dpo: Nothing except that I had a banana before I went to sleep and it tasted like shampoo and my hair got oily. 


So what are my symptoms you may ask? Oh, well, T thinks his neck hurts, my dog is extra clingy, and I had a dream about a baby.  That's a perfect sign, right :)  (Actually, the dog thing is real...and could mean something - look it up!)

Aargh, only another week until this wait is over! 

 

Smiley face!

Whoo whoo!  We got our smiley face today (predicts ovulation based on measuring LH surges in the body).  Happy mother's day! 

This means that I go in at 9:30 tomorrow for an IUI.  Unfortunately, we need to dip into our frozen swimmer stash in that case.  T starts his new job at promptly 7:30 tomorrow morning, and therefore can't make the timing work.  But that's why we had a backup collection, so we'll make do. 

Anyway, chances are slim and we won't know for a couple weeks, but fingers crossed!  I think we'll give this a shot at least a couple times before I brave the drugs again, but I certainly hope it never gets that far. 

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Maybe we need to be less smart about this?

Just a little laugh for the day...  (uncensored)